PART – V - Depression - C1/5

AM I OVER (HIM)???

The next week hailed Halloween and I was in the worst funk of my life. The divorce hadn’t moved forward. Taehyung was being difficult as ever and I hadn’t had the energy to fight him. Yoongi hadn’t just backed off pursuing me; he’d backed off everything. I felt like I lost a friend and that hurt worse than I was willing to admit.

In fact, loneliness had set in like concrete ankle blocks and I was worried that if just one more thing went wrong in my life, I’d tip to the end of a dock and sink to the bottom of an endless ocean.

Was that too dramatic?

Maybe. But I also knew that I had never felt this profoundly alone before.

I left home at eighteen and moved straight into a college dorm that I shared with Hyejin for four years. I had spent summers in cheap apartments with friends.

The year after graduation, while I planned my wedding, I lived with my parents. And then obviously I moved in with Taehyung. For better or worse, he’d been my constant roommate for my entire adult life.

I had never lived on my own. I had never really been on my own before. I knew eventually I would grow used to it. At first, it was even kind of fun, maybe a little weird, but mostly fun.

I could do whatever I wanted without consulting another person. But it quickly stopped being shiny and new and the loneliness crept up on me. It coated the house that I loved and tainted my activities.

The school became my life because when I left there, I knew I would have to go home to an empty house and have no one to tell about my day or share my struggles except Pikachu. And he rarely shared his opinion.

Sure, there was Hoseok, but even my best friend felt distanced by my issues. Besides, he had his own life to live. As close as we were, our entire relationship had revolved around my marriage. He always bent his schedule to meet my needs, to hang out when I didn’t have any other plans.

Now I was on the other side of that.

His life didn’t revolve around me. I could understand that.

It was just hard when my life revolved around someone else. Now I felt lost. Adrift in a storm-haunted sea. A sunflower in a sunless sky. A flower that had no light to tilt my face to.

A year ago I had been so excited for Halloween. It really was one of the best holidays. It was all for fun. There were never family obligations to fulfill gifts to buy or pies to bake. I could just celebrate something without extra stress.

Plus, I had always thought it was a great way to kick off the holiday season.

Until this year.

Halloween fell on a Saturday and I had no plans. Not even one.

Well, unless you counted the invitation from Hoseok to be a third wheel on his third date with the guy he met at the gym.

No, thanks.

They were headed to some super fun party and I couldn’t even muster enough energy to put shoes on.

I adjusted my bunny ear headband and slumped down on the bench in my entryway.

A huge bowl of candy sat in my lap and it was taking every ounce of self-control I had left not to tear into the wrapped sugar and flood my house with wrappers.

Apparently, I’d jumped from the Divorce Diet to the Divorce-Eat-My- Weight-In-Chocolate Plan.

That sounded awesome at this point.

The doorbell rang and I jumped, even though I had been expecting it. I moved to the door and pulled it open, ready for the trick-or-treating brigade I knew would be flooding my doorstep.

“Trick or treat,” Taehyung grinned at me.

I tried to hide my surprise while Pikachu danced around his feet and licked at his shins. “I’m supposed to give you candy.” I eyed the bags he held in his arms and tried to decide if I should be furious or burst into tears.

He shrugged one shoulder casually, “I wanted to donate to the cause.”

“You don’t have to.”

He took a step inside the house even though I hadn’t invited him. “This used to be my house too. I guess I’m not quite ready to give up our neighbors yet.”

I let out a weary sigh, “It’s still your house. At least until you sign the papers.”

I thought he would snap at me or start a fight. Instead, he cocked his head to the side and smiled. “Are you a mouse?”

“I’m a bunny!” I adjusted the stupid headband I’d picked up at the gas station this morning and tried not to grimace.

“Oh.”

“What does that mean? Oh? And what are you? A robber?”

He shook his head and grinned wider. “The Hamburglar. Obviously.”

“The Hamburglar?”

“From McDonald’s. Remember?”

“Oh, the mask. And the weird hat. I get it.”

He took another step until he could close the door behind him. “You don’t seem impressed.”

I’m wondering how you make that costume look so good…

“I’m confused.”

“About?”

“Why are you here, Taehyung?”

“This conversation again? Honestly, Jungkook, did we talk about anything besides my location when we were married?”

I wanted to punch him. Instead, I stepped back, away from him and his pathetically alluring scent, that adorable costume, and the bags of candy in his hands. If he could change topics without warning, so could I. “I thought you would have a gig tonight.”

He shook his head. “I’m not in the band anymore, remember?”

“Like at all? I thought that was just a temporary thing?”

Something warm bloomed inside of me. It grew hotter the longer I stared at him. Hotter and hotter until it was boiling inside of me until it was lava and magma and the temperature of the sun.

The doorbell rang, interrupting our conversation. He opened it because he was closest and smiled down at the little kids dressed up as a robot and a dinosaur while simultaneously holding Pikachu back with his foot.

Pikachu wanted to charge the kids. They looked like they wanted to run away screaming in terror.

My guard dog.

All thirty pounds of him.

Taehyung dropped his bags of unopened candy on the bench I had just been sitting on and grabbed handfuls of candy from my bowl.

I stood there dumbstruck. What was happening?

After they left, he closed the screen door but left the big door open. “I’m not in the band anymore, Jungkook. They found another lead singer.”

“Oh my gosh, were you pissed?”

He threw a smile over his shoulder as he grabbed more candy for the next round of trick-or-treaters. “I sold them my old amps and gave them my blessing. I, uh, retired.”

“You retired?” I hated that this divorce had turned me into a parrot.

Was losing the ability to have original thoughts a side effect of divorce trauma?

He handed out more candy while I stood there blankly. More kids came to the door, dragging their parents with them.

While I stood there watching mutely, Taehyung talked to our neighbor for a little bit, shooting the shit and discussing the most mundane stuff ever. Neither of them acknowledged me. Woobin, our neighbor, didn’t even notice me at all. Or at least he pretended not to.

After we were alone again, I tried to form words. “You quit the band?”

“I prefer retired, but yeah, I guess that’s what happened.”

“But… but…Why?”

He shifted his shoulders and it was the first time I noticed tension in him since he arrived. His back had gone taut with some emotion that I wanted to believe was frustration or anger. But I couldn’t make myself believe it.

I couldn’t read him at all anymore. His eyes were hidden from me in the dim entryway and behind a black mask. I couldn’t see them. All I had to read him by was his body language and his lean body didn’t say much underneath a black and white striped t-shirt and his familiar low-waist jeans. It wasn’t that complicated of a costume, but for some reason, it really got to me.

It bothered me that he’d dressed up and looked so good and on top of that, he’d showed up at my house with extra candy.

He wanted to make our divorce as difficult as possible and my life hell.

And yet he was here like this.

It wasn’t fair.

He wasn’t playing fair.

The burn inside me became a searing force that actually hurt me. “You were right, Jungkook. It was time.”

“I was right?” My words sputtered from my lips with jolting disbelief. “So that’s it? We decide to end things and then you quit the band? Are you serious?”

He turned around to face me. “I said you were right.”

“I heard what you said! But why couldn’t you have said that to me while we were still married?” I felt breathless with anger, blinded by it.

“We are still married.”

“Taehyung!”

He tilted his head arrogantly and clenched his jaw. “Would it have mattered?”

“Yes!” I couldn’t put enough conviction in the word, though, so I amended it to, “Maybe.” I took a step back, gripping the huge plastic bowl of candy to my chest. “You could have tried! You could have at least tried!”

His words were soft, but not gentle. The hard tone buzzed over my skin, pulling at the hair on the back of my neck. “I did try.”

I barely heard him. “What difference does it make now? Why quit now? For seven years, it was the most important thing in your life and now it’s…it’s not?” I sounded more than hysterical. I screeched at him like a lunatic, unable to control the volume of my voice or my crazed emotions.

“No. It’s not. There are more important things than the band.”

“But why did you wait to figure that out now? God, seriously! I can’t believe this. I can’t believe that I begged you for years to quit, to move on, to do something else and you didn’t listen to me one time.  Not one single time. And then we fall apart and suddenly you know there are more important things.”

The doorbell rang, but neither of us moved to answer it. Instead, Taehyung pushed the main door so hard that it slammed shut, right in the bewildered faces of some little kids.

I glanced wildly at the door, wondering what neighbor I was going to have to apologize to tomorrow. Taehyung stepped right in front of me, pulling my attention back to him.

“Why do you care, Jungkook? You’re going to divorce me no matter what, so what does it matter what I’m doing with my life? Huh? Why do you care so much?”

“Because!” A punch of air whooshed out of me and I struggled not to sway.

My fury was too much for my mortal body. I felt like a force of nature, like a tornado that would destroy every single thing in the wake of my anger.

“Because it’s what I wanted from you! Because I worked so hard at our marriage, at making things work with you. And you didn’t give me anything! You didn’t try anything! And now…now it’s too late and suddenly the decision is easy for you. It doesn’t matter that we fought endlessly about it! It doesn’t matter that I begged you, that I pleaded with you to try something different. It doesn’t matter that I would have supported you anyway, against my will, against what I wanted, just because I loved you and wanted you to succeed.” Hot tears fell from my eyes, landing on my cheeks and lips.

I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t fight them anymore.

Taehyung’s wrath matched my own. He took another step forward and I forced myself not to retreat further.

“Oh, really? You would have supported me no matter what?” He let out a bark of derisive laughter. “Then why are we here? Why did you file papers and kick me out of the house? Why, if all you wanted was for me to succeed, are you sleeping here alone and I’m living on my brother’s couch?”

I took a step back anyway.

I was a coward. Or maybe the pulse of his frustration was so strong it pushed me back.

My shoulders bumped against the wall and one of my decorative pictures shook next to my head. “Why couldn’t you try for me? Why couldn’t you have decided this months ago?”

His lips had pressed into a straight line before he gritted out, “I wasn’t ready.”

The sound I made was half-tortured, half-furious. “So why now?”

I waited for his answer while his shoulders jerked with the intensity of his emotion and his jaw clenched and unclenched. But he never said anything.

Instead, he shocked the absolute hell out of me, by ripping the bowl of candy out of my hands and throwing it against the far wall.

Plastic collided against the drywall and candy flew everywhere. I had just enough time to let out a startled gasp before his lips crashed to mine with equal force.

He took my mouth in a punishing kiss. He knew me intimately, familiarly. He knew exactly how to kiss me. Exactly how to make my body respond, it took one second for me to kiss him back.

I had so much emotion bubbling inside me. I had been through too much trauma over the last few months and spent too much time alone. I didn’t have a prayer of denying Taehyung this kiss.

If only it would have stopped there. But it didn’t.

Our mouths warred with each other, his tongue chasing mine, his lips moving over mine with greedy need. I took his bottom lip in a sharp bite, pulling it between my teeth and truly tasting the soft fullness of his mouth.

His hands slammed on my waist before diving beneath my black sweater. His skin seared mine; my burning lungs stuttered with the effort to breathe. I found my own hands clutching at his shirt, balling it up in my fists and holding him to me.

God, this was too familiar.

Too good.

It had been too long.

His body pressed against mine with a possessiveness I had never felt from him before. It was like he was declaring that I was still his, that I was still his to love. To claim.

Until every last paper was signed, I still belonged to this alpha.

And I knew it was a bad thing…that this made us completely dysfunctional and turned us into every embarrassing cliché out there, but I could not stop.

I could not get enough of him.

I didn’t want to get enough of him.

His hands moved over my body, remembering every curve, every inch of me. My bunny ears headband was pushed off, landing in a muffled thud on the wood floor. My shirt came next. He practically tore the sweater from my body in his effort to get to more of me.

I was equally desperate to get to his chest. I threw the hat somewhere on the staircase, the mask went next, and finally the t-shirt.

As soon as his chest was bare, he pressed his body against mine and we both moaned into each other’s mouth. The feel of him, with his skin against mine, his heart pounding against mine…it was too much.

Too much sensation.

Too much sweet anguish.

Too much of everything good and right about our marriage.

There were so many reasons that we shouldn’t be together. But this wasn’t one of them.

This was one of the reasons we had stayed together for so long.

“Jungkook,” he groaned, tearing his lips from mine to explore my neck and chest. His tongue licked and his teeth nipped at my nipples. I pushed my chest up for him, anxious to have more of him touch me and more of me touch him.

The high-pitched whimper I couldn’t hold back pushed him over the edge. He was wild, savage, and completely frenzied with lust and desire. He pushed his hips into mine and my eyes rolled to the back of my head.

God, this man.

This man that I couldn’t stand. This man that I was divorcing.

He made quick work of my undershirt, tearing it apart with his deft, practiced hands. He yanked it from my arms without an ounce of gentleness or consideration. It was like he couldn’t help himself. He had no self-control. No restraint.

And his wicked energy did nothing but make me hotter.

Our pants came next. We tore at buttons and kicked them frantically from our legs. My hands slipped into the waistband of his boxer briefs and I moaned again at the feel of his familiar c0ck.

My hands slid down his legs, taking his underwear with them, relishing in the delicious heat of his body.

Mine were next. But he did not worship my legs or touch me reverently. He tore at them; he shoved them down and desperately fought them off my ankles. His fingers found my hungry for attention hole.

And his fingers came out wet with my sleek. My c0ck was straining against his abdomen but he wasn’t in the mood to be adoring or sweet or giving me attention. He was primal with his need, completely lost in this ferocious want.

He wanted to take and take. And I was dying to give and give.

For a short second reality flashed in my mind and I knew we were making a huge mistake. I tried to voice my objection. I tried to remind him that we weren’t together anymore and that this would only set us back.

But it was like he could read my mind. As soon as I started to say something, his mouth took mine again in another consuming kiss. Soon, I couldn’t think of anything rational. There was no such thing as logic or good choices.

There was only him and me and our naked bodies.

There was only the familiar heat that had always been between us and the scorching intensity as we took each other in a new way.

We’d had makeup sex before. We’d had huge fights before today and used sex to get over them.

But this was something completely different. This wasn’t an apology.

This was war.

A war of our bodies, of our wills…of our souls.

He took me right there. Right against the wall.

I wrapped my legs around him and he held me steady as he reminded me what it was like to have him as a husband. And at the same time, he revealed a side of him I had never known.

I clasped my arms around his head while he alternated between taking my mouth and nipping my nipples. His peach fuzz scraped against my skin in a familiar sting that I welcomed, that I loved. Our sweaty bodies moved together in a rhythm of something we had done countless times before, but it had never ever been like this.

Despite the newness, he still knew exactly what to do to get my body to respond to him. He knew how to touch me. He knew how to move inside me. He knew the moment I reached the brink of something shattering.

And then he knew how to push me over the edge and make my world explode.

I screamed out with the shock and intensity of an orgasm like none before this one. My fingers dug into his back and my thighs squeezed his waist, desperate to make this feeling last forever.

He followed after me, burying his face in my neck and sinking his teeth into the soft flesh there. The moment seemed to go on and on and on until he sagged against the wall and I collapsed in his arms.

When he set me on my feet, I was beyond dazed and more than confused. Not surprisingly, the anger had drained out of me and left me with a bizarre longing I couldn’t explain.

Regret and disappointment with my own behavior followed shortly and I didn’t know if I would be able to stand up against the force of these emotions.

I wanted to run and hide.

I wanted to cry again and never stop.

I expected that I would do both of those things.

Just as soon as I figured out what the hell Taehyung was thinking!

“Tae-”

“Don’t,” he growled and the depth of his tone made me shut my mouth immediately.

He jerked his pants up and buttoned them with furious movements. His gaze lifted to mine and the heat behind his eyes pierced me in place.

I was wrong.

We didn’t need to talk.

We definitely didn’t need to talk.

We never needed to talk again.

We could just keep communicating like this, against the wall.

He grabbed his shirt and yanked it on. It was inside out and backward, but I was not going to be the one to point that out to him.

I stood there naked, awkwardly fidgeting.

“Whatever you’re thinking right now, Jungkook, stop.”

“I’m not thinking anything,” I whispered.

“Don’t lie to me.”

The command was too brutal for me to ignore, “Okay.”

“I’ll let you be now.” His voice shook as if he were having a very hard time controlling himself right this second so all I did was nod.

“I’ll call you tomorrow.”

I nodded again. Even though I mostly wanted to beg him not to. I wanted to beg him to forget this ever happened.

Even though I knew I never could.

Even though I knew I would remember the intensity, the soul-shattering connection…the profound desperation we’d taken each other with to my very last breath.

I will never forget this.

And I had a very disarming thought that this would be the time I compared every single other time to in my future.

But, damn.

Taehyung took a step forward and for one horrifying second I thought he was going to kiss me again. I couldn’t take any more. If he kissed me again, I would shatter.

He seemed to realize this and stopped himself short. He rather leaned in to place a kiss on my forehead, his arm circling around me like a protective shield.

Then he touched his forehead to my profusely sweating one, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he repeated on his way out the door.

“Okay,” I whispered.

But when he called the next day, I didn’t answer.

And when he continued to call for the following three days, I continued to not answer.

After that, he didn’t call again.

!!~~~~!!