Part IV - BARGAINING - C -2/2

(Don't) Let me go.

I slumped against the doorframe to Hoseok’s office and dropped my bag to my feet. He looked up at me from where he stood over his desk examining some papers and frowned at me.

Unlike the rest of the school, Hoseok’s office was warmly lit and smelled like heaven. He burned candles all year round, even though they were against school policy.

Mr. Kang let him get away with it because he argued that his students needed to feel safe and comfortable. Mr. Kang apparently agreed, because he never said anything to Hoseok except when there was an inspection.

“You look like shit.”

I glared at him. “Thank you.”

“What happened?” His voice softened to gentle concern. 

“Don’t ever get married. It’s not worth it.”

His lips pursed and his shoulders straightened. “I wasn’t planning on it, but thanks for the advice anyway.”

I couldn’t tell if I offended him or not. He wasn’t married, he wasn’t even dating, but that wasn’t because there was something wrong with him. He was cool, successful in his own right, and the best person I knew. He wasn’t with someone because he chose not to be.

I had always thought of him as the quintessentially empowered. But there was something in his expression just now…something I couldn’t read. I walked in and collapsed in one of his comfy chairs that sat in front of the desk. He hadn’t invited me, but I was too miserable to care.

“You don’t have a meeting or anything, do you?”

His expression shifted to careful consideration and I wondered if he was going to bill me for my time. “Not for a few minutes. What’s going on?”

This time I heard real concern in his voice. He had gone home to visit his family over the weekend, so we hadn’t spoken since after school on Friday.

He didn’t know about all of my Taehyung drama and I was finding myself reluctant to share it with him.

I didn’t want to burden him with more of my depression, plus I was fairly certain he was as sick of hearing about my woes as I was. But I also couldn’t get myself to speak the truth out loud.

I didn’t want to tell him about my Friday night with Taehyung because I wanted to keep that for me…I wanted to keep it special and untainted by snarky analysis.

I didn’t want him to point out the possible obvious- that Taehyung didn’t want to go through with the divorce. And I didn’t want him asking questions to find out if maybe I didn’t either.

There was too much past…too much history for us to ever be really happy moving forward. We just needed to cut this cord and move on.

“I again saw the divorce lawyer this morning,” I confessed.

I watched his shoulders sag and his mouth turn down in a frown. “Is that where you were?”

“I took the morning. I couldn’t wait any longer.” I picked at the frayed threads on the arm of the chair. “My parents invited Taehyung over to Sunday dinner yesterday. Things got a little out of control.”

His eyebrows shot up and his palms slapped the desk. “They did what?”

“Apparently they miss him.”

“They hate him!”

“Apparently they only hate me.”

He waved a dismissive hand. “Trust me, they don’t. My parents hate me. Yours love you. Maybe too much, but they definitely love you.”

I blinked at him, unsure if he was serious or not. Hoseok kept much of his home life to himself. He shared everything else, though, so I had never wanted to pry.

I hadn’t even met his parents before. It wasn’t like college where most of my friends’ parents either came to visit or hosted a group of us for a long weekend.

Since I hadn’t met Hoseok until our professional lives, there had been no reason to meet his family. I had never thought anything of it. He had only met mine a couple of times over the years.

I tilted my chin mulishly, “If they loved me, they would not have invited my ex-husband to dinner. That’s not love. That’s torture.”

“He’s not your ex-husband yet,” he said with an obvious amount of patience in his tone. “Maybe they were trying to get you back together? Maybe they don’t hate him as much as you thought they did.”

“They were part of the problem! They made things so difficult for us! We constantly fought about them. I had to drag Taehyung over there. He would put up such an attitude every Sunday that I always felt like the bad guy. And then my mom! God, my mom can be such a brat. She would make me feel like the worst kind of human for marrying him. Now…now they want to play nice? It’s not fair!”

He didn’t say anything for a long time. I got the feeling he didn’t know what to say.

“I’m just frustrated,” I sighed. “It’s not like I can say all of this to my mom. She’ll take it like I’m blaming her for my divorce and I’m not. There were so many more issues besides that one. But they were a problem. A weekly problem. Sometimes more.”

“If Taehyung hated it so much, and it sounds like you hated it too, then why did you guys keep going over there every single Sunday? That seems excessive.”

I felt like a boulder dropped in my stomach and upset everything inside me, as if I was a puddle and the boulder threw up everything that made me in a fast, draining wave until I was nothing but emptiness and gritty earth.

“Because that’s what my parents expected us to do.”

But my explanation sounded so weak now.

“But, Jungkook, why didn’t you guys just go once a month? Or every other week?”

I sat in stunned silence.

Why didn’t we?

Why hadn’t we set up better boundaries for our extended family?

I didn’t want to deal with my mom any more than Taehyung did. So why had I tortured us week after week? Taehyung never insisted we go to his home every other week. But I did.

Why would I put him up with this torture every week?

Why had I let Taehyung be talked to like that every single Sunday?

Why had I purposefully driven a wedge between us over my family?

Because that’s what people do, my mind answered immediately. You spend time with your family because they’re your family.

But my reply didn’t hold the weight it once used to. I didn’t believe it quite so strongly.

It wasn’t like Taehyung hadn’t suggested this very thing on more than one occasion, but I had blamed him for being unwilling to try. I had blamed him like it was his fault. I had accused him of causing drama with my parents and being selfish with his time.

It was our obligation, I told him. This is what family does.

But wasn’t he, my family?

Shouldn’t his needs desires and wants come before my parents?

He had never suggested cutting them out of our lives completely. He just wanted to spend less time with them.

It wasn’t until Hoseok had pointed out the obvious that I finally saw things as they should have been.

Hell, at this moment in time, I didn’t have plans to return for lunch ever again. And although I knew that would change eventually, I didn’t have to force myself to go back every single Sunday.

I could create my own boundaries. I could give myself a few Sundays a month and actually feel rested when it was time to go to school on Monday.

Crazy.

Hoseok watched me for a long time before finally saying, “I’m surprised Taehyung showed up if he hates your parents so much.”

“I am too,” I breathed. “He needed to pick up some amps that my dad had been storing for him and then my mom invited him to lunch. Maybe he felt bad or guilty or something.”

“Maybe.” His gentle gaze met mine over his desk. “Maybe he wanted to use your parents as an excuse to see you again.”

I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. “I thought you didn’t like him either?”

Hoseok rolled his eyes and let out a short sigh. “I don’t like that he’s still trying to be a rock star. I want him to grow up and get a real job. Of course, I like Taehyung as a person. He’s impossible not to like. I just hated that you were always so miserable, that you guys were always fighting. It had nothing to do with him. And I never suggested divorce. Honestly, I didn’t know you guys had even considered it.”

“He’s really good, you know. I mean at the band stuff.”

“Jungkook, I never said he wasn’t. I just… you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“So? What if Taehyung isn’t as pro-divorce as you first thought he was? What are you going to do then?”

“My lawyer asked me the exact same question. Along with a million others. Taehyung wasn't going to make it easy for me. And honestly, I don’t know. If Taehyung is pro-divorce, the actual procedure doesn’t seem that difficult. It’s mostly paperwork and legal fees. We will have to go to court to finalize it, but everything before then can be handled by our lawyers. We can file for divorce together and split everything equally. Hopefully, I’ll take over the mortgage completely. I already pay it anyway. There are not that many bills to split outside of the house. He can take his things, I can take mine. Easy-peasy.”

“And what if he doesn’t want to do that?”

“Then it gets more complicated. I have to serve him the papers. They could show up at his work and deliver them like he’s some sort of criminal. It sounds awful.”

“So awful that you’re not going to go through with it?”

I looked at Hoseok and saw hope flicker in his eyes. Did he really think this was a bad idea? Or was he just trying to save me the hassle?

“Do you really think I’m making a huge mistake?” I tried to keep the accusation out of my tone, but I couldn’t hide it all. I felt suddenly betrayed.

He sucked in his bottom lip and then let it go, building himself up for whatever he needed to say. “Jungkook, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s not going to get magically better. You’re not going to find the perfect person and live happily ever after. Happily ever after doesn’t exist. It will never exist. Even if you go about this amicably, this divorce is going to be messy; it’s going to hurt Taehyung and it’s going to hurt you. It’s honestly going to tear you apart. I love you. I don’t want to see you go through all of that.”

“And what about my marriage? What if I stay in a relationship with Taehyung and we just fight for the rest of our lives? What if he never wants to grow up and despises me forever because I’m asking him to? What if he thinks I’m nothing but a nag and a dream-killer and a rotten, heartless bitch? How do I live with myself if my husband thinks that?”

My voice grew louder and more hysterical with every word. I was on the verge of tears and screaming and drowning myself in cheap tequila by the end of it.

Hoseok, despite my hysterics, leveled me with a serious look and said, “I don’t know, Jungkook. I don’t know what happens then and I don’t know what happens if you get a divorce. I just know that neither way is easy. And neither way is going to automatically make you feel better.”

My breath came in short, violent bursts and tears swam in my eyes. I heard someone at the door and knew that was my cue to leave. I gathered up my bags and without saying goodbye to Hoseok, I fled his office.

I didn’t have class for another fifteen minutes and the only thing I could think to do to fill the time was to call Taehyung.

Sure, I had papers to look at, lessons to plan for, I probably should have eaten something…but I needed to hear his voice. I needed to hear the certainty or uncertainty or whatever it was I was looking for.

I pulled out my phone and dialed his number. It rang for a long time and eventually kicked into voicemail. I let out an ugly curse that wasn’t at all appropriate for school and tried again.

And then again and again and again until I had found my classroom and locked myself inside.

I finally gave up and just stared at my screen, wondering where he was and why he wasn’t answering.

Had he gone to his own lawyer this morning?

After yesterday’s performance on my parents’ lawn, I couldn’t blame him. Maybe he just didn’t want to talk to me.

Maybe he wanted to avoid me for as long as he could.

I nearly screamed when my screen finally lit up and announced Taehyung’s number across the front.

“Finally,” I hissed. But I pushed the right button and brought the phone to my ear. “Hey,” I said weakly.

“Jungkook?” He sounded confused and breathless. I could hear city noise and wind in the background as if he had just stepped outside.

Or maybe he was already outside. He could have been working for all I knew and I’d just interrupted one of his jobs.

“Jungkook?” he said again, louder this time. 

“Hi. Sorry. I’m here.”

More awkward moments spun by until he said, “Hey, Jungkook, I really want to talk to you, especially, uh, about yesterday. But I’m kind of in the middle of something. So if it’s not urgent, then I should probably let you-”

“I saw my lawyer again this morning.” The words fell out of my mouth like poisonous snakes. I couldn’t keep them inside me anymore. They were infecting me…killing me. I had to get them out. I had to poison someone else too.

He let out a sound that was half growl, half huff of surprise. “Your lawyer.”

“I needed to do something. I needed to get this in motion.”

He was so silent that if I couldn’t hear the background noise, I would have thought he hung up on me.

“You needed to.”

“I don’t want to fight with you, Taehyung. I just wanted to let you know. It was a courtesy call.”

But had it been? Why had I needed to call him so desperately?

“It’s only been six months,” he shot back. His voice was firm this time, resolute. “Jungkook, give it some more time.”

I ignored his plea. “If we file together...amicably then it makes the whole process easier and-”

“I told you I’’m not going to do that.”

I was so shocked by the dominance in his voice that I had to sit down. “Wh- what?”

“Go ahead and do what you want, but I’m not going to file amicably.”

“Why not?”

“It doesn’t matter why. You just need to know that I’m not going to.”

I had no idea what to say to that. I was more confused than ever. Was he trying to be a pain in the ass?

Was he trying to make this as difficult as possible?

Obviously.

But why?

Just to piss me off?

Or did he actually feel entitled to more than what fifty-fifty would get him?

Or was Hoseok right?

Did he really not want to go through with this?

I fumbled, trying to think of something to say, “Well, you should probably get a lawyer then.”

His reply was crisp and direct. “I have a lawyer.”

After a long minute of silence, I realized he hung up on me. I stared at my phone, dazed and completely shell-shocked until the bell rang and students started walking into class.

So Sunday had been lies? A last-ditch attempt? If he had a lawyer, then he wanted a divorce.

He was going to make my life as difficult as possible, but the divorce was definitely happening.

With my mind spinning at a hundred miles per hour and my personal life in complete tatters, it was safe to say that the rest of the afternoon sucked.

!!~~~~~!!

A couple of weeks passed, but the most progress made on my divorce was the delivery of papers. I’d contemplated for longer than I should have whether to have them dropped off at Taehyung’s work. I had wanted to lash out against his refusal to make this easy.

If he wanted to play games, then public humiliation could go a long way.

But in the end, I’d chickened out. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hurt him like that. It seemed that no matter how difficult he made my life, I still cared about his feelings.

My lawyer thought these were particularly obnoxious obstacles, but there was nothing I could do about them. So he arranged to have the papers delivered to Taehyung’s attorney- who turned out to be one of the better divorce lawyers in the city.

I honestly didn’t know how Taehyung could afford his legal services. I had to scrimp, save, and cut off my purse addiction to pay for mine. It wasn’t easy.

When we’d separated, our finances were frighteningly easy to divide. We closed our joint account at the bank and each set up our own. We both agreed to leave our meager savings alone for the time being and I trusted him not to touch it.

Besides, the amount was so insignificant that if he used every penny, I really wouldn’t have been that upset.

Although, I never would have told him that.

The only thing we still shared was our cell phone bill, which he’d offered to continue to pay until our contract was up and we could go separate ways without paying astronomical fees.

I had been the breadwinner anyway and other than student loans, utilities, and our mortgage, we didn’t have many other bills.

Our parents had helped furnish our house and we’d accumulated our possessions slowly enough that there was nothing to pay for.

He had his credit card, I had mine.

I had always paid the majority of our bills, so I got to keep the house. He moved out. It only seemed fair that I kept paying the mortgage and utilities.

It was a little depressing how easy our finances had been to split. At the time, I expected more of a struggle…more of a fight.

 But we’d dealt with everything as cleanly as we’d ended our marriage.

As I packed up my classroom for the day, I wondered how he could afford his legal help. It was seriously bothering me.

Where was the money coming from? His parents?

No way.

They had plenty of money, but he would never ask them. At least I didn’t think he would.

Was he that desperate to screw me over in the divorce that he would go to his parents…?

Taehyung had always been the wild rebel child that his successful parents couldn’t take seriously. And they had always been the part of his life he politely tolerated. I thought I had created some kind of peaceful bridge between them.

Apparently, they didnt hate me as much as they hated their own son.

They had always been nice.

Mr. Jeon Jungkook, bringing families together since 2008.

You’re welcome.

If Taehyung was that desperate to ask his parents for money, then he really did want to make me suffer. I know his mother would never agree but if her son wanted it, she couldn't let me stay. Could she?

I dropped my coffee thermos on the floor as my entire world began to spin out of control. Taehyung couldn’t hate me this much.

Sure, we’d had a rocky marriage, but did I deserve this?

Was I that terrible of a person?

“You dropped this.”

I nearly screamed at the intrusion. I snapped out of my internal breakdown and blinked Yoongi into focus.

“Oh, my god. You scared me.” My hand landed on my fluttering heart and I sucked in enough oxygen so my brain could process his sudden appearance.

Yoongi gave me a playful smile. “You’re kind of easy to sneak up on.”

Taehyung’s words bounced around in my head. ‘You’re ridiculously easy to surprise.’

Was I?

“Sorry,” I tried to smile. “I was lost in my head.”

Yoongi’s smile turned patient. “I gathered.”

He held out my coffee cup and I took it from him. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” He shifted on his feet while I tried to collect my wits. “So, uh, you looked a little panic-stricken when I walked in. Is everything okay?”

I nodded without thinking. Even Yoongi avoided whatever happened after I denied going on that second date. AS IF the Taehyung accident never happened. I also noticed Yoongi started staying in PE class for his gym activities. 

“You sure? You’re a little pale. Do you want to sit down?”

I looked down at my desk self-consciously. It took me a few minutes to figure out what I wanted to say. I had trouble disentangling myself from my riotous thoughts.

Finally, I lifted my gaze to bravely meet his and asked, “Am I a terrible person?”

Yoongi’s eyebrows lifted with surprise. “Are you serious?”

“Yes,” I whispered. “I just need to know if I’m a complete bitch. I can’t tell.”

“Well that should tell you something,” he said with no small amount of amusement.

“I’m serious. You can be honest with me. I can take it.”

“No,” he said quickly. For a second I thought he was refusing to answer my question until he put a gentle hand on mine and continued, “You’re not a terrible person. You’re definitely not a complete bitch. You’re none of those things. Why would you think otherwise?”

I felt better.

Even if I didn’t entirely believe him, my vanity was appeased.

“I was just thinking about this divorce,” I explained quietly. “Suddenly Taehyung is refusing to do this amicably. He’s threatened to make this as difficult as possible. I thought he…was ready but he wants me to be miserable. I just…I wondered if he was maybe punishing me for how awful I was to him during our marriage.”

Yoongi’s raised eyebrows dropped and scrunched together over the bridge of his nose. “I thought you said this was a decision you came to together?”

“We did. At least I thought we did. His behavior has been…confusing.”

“Has he changed his mind?”

“What do you mean?”

Yoongi frowned. “Does he not want to get divorced anymore?”

I took a step back, feeling shaken up and unsteady. “Of course, he wants the divorce.”

“Then why is he being difficult?” Yoongi’s question landed with all the gentleness of a tank running over me.

I shook my head helplessly, “I don’t...know.”

He didn’t say anything else about Taehyung. There wasn’t really anything left to say.

“I’m sorry, Yoongi. I’ve been super self-absorbed since you walked in. Did you need something?”

He let out a nervous laugh and I immediately regretted how I’d phrased my question. He held my gaze though and asked, “I was wondering if you had plans tonight.”

“Tonight?” I sounded like an idiot repeating him, but it was a school night. And by that, I meant a normal Tuesday…

Seeming to read my thoughts, he grinned and said, “I won’t keep you out late. But I thought we could grab a cup of coffee?”

“Coffee?”

“Or a different beverage. I mean, you’re not limited strictly to coffee. We could go for a soda instead. Or iced tea. Water even, if none of those, uh, sound good.”

I realized that my parroting had made Yoongi nervous. And other than finding it completely adorable, it was not my intention to make him suffer.

I laughed, hoping to diffuse the tension. “Actually, coffee sounds really good. I could use some caffeine.”

And then because I was still an idiot and didn’t want him to think that the only reason I agreed to go out with him was because I was sleepy, I said, “It will be fun to spend some time with you!”

And then because I wasn’t sure if this was a date or not and I apparently had an addiction to sticking my foot in my mouth, I didn’t stop talking and said, “After...umm...that...umm...we never get to hang out...just the...two of us!”

Oh, my god, somebody tackles me.

Stop talking.

Yoongi’s expression told me clearly he had no idea what to think of me anymore, but he gifted me with a gentle smile and nodded once. “Yeah, good.”

I put the last of my papers in my tote bag and fumbled around for my classroom keys in my purse. “Do you have a favorite spot?”

“Yes.” His smile came more naturally as I shut off the lights and we moved to the quiet hallway so I could lock the door behind me. “It’s not Starbucks though. Does that bother you?”

“What?” I shook my head at him. “There are other places that make coffee besides Starbucks? You’re lying.”

He laughed at my sarcasm. “I would not lie about something like this. I take my coffee very seriously.”

“Well, I’ve never been much of a commercial coffee drinker.” I waved my to-go cup in the air. “I bring it from home.”

“I’m glad we share the same philosophy,” Yoongi said seriously.

“I can’t lie, mine’s more about me being late every morning. I never have time to stop.”

He threw his head back and laughed while I admired the strong column of his throat. God, I needed this. I needed to breathe a little and forget about the insanity of my divorce.

His gaze found mine again and with a sweetness I didn’t think still existed in the male race, said, “Can I drive you? I’ll swing you back by the school to pick up your car.”

I paused for a second so I wouldn’t trip over my tongue. “Yes.”

We chatted about our days and the school year so far as we dropped off my bags at my car and then walked to his. My heart started to beat triple time and I was feeling a little sweaty.

Yoongi and I had been friends for so long that I shouldn’t feel this nervous. I only half paid attention to the small talk during our short car ride because inside I couldn’t stop freaking out long enough to focus on any one thing.

The entire drive to the coffee shop, my stomach churned anxiously, my mouth dried out and my palms started to itch.

I fidgeted in the high bench seat of his truck but tried desperately not to be obvious.

He had to think I was crazy already. I didn’t need to fuel his opinion of me.

Yet, he’d asked me out.

And that was the problem, wasn’t it?

I had a tendency to overthink everything. And so, during the few moments I wasn’t obsessing over my own miserable life and divorce, I had thought about Yoongi and whether anything would progress with us.

I hadn’t really thought he’d ask me out so soon, but I knew there was chemistry between us. Hoseok had left enough hints that I had started to prepare myself mentally for the day that he would ask me out.

But I hadn’t expected it today.

I thought he’d wait until my divorce was finalized and I’d had a little more separation from my husband than six measly months.

I thought we’d continue to build a relationship slowly, enjoying friendship first, and then, in the future, in the far, distant future, we’d naturally fall into something romantic.

Maybe.

If I ever got over the trauma of seven years of bad luck, er, my marriage.

And yet, he’d asked me today.

Today, when I realized, that in all likelihood, I would have to spend the next several months in mediation with my not-yet-ex-husband. Today when all I wanted to do was go home, put my feet up pour a bottle of wine into a fishbowl, and drink it with a straw.

Maybe I didn’t even need the fishbowl.

Maybe I would guzzle it straight from the bottle. That sounded so much easier.

I was nothing if not practical.

“Are you listening?” Yoongi’s dark gaze cut to mine.

I ruined any semblance of interest I had when I stupidly asked, “Huh?”

He looked down at his oversized cup of coffee and smiled into the black depths. “I met Taehyung in the gym.” Yoongi had brought me to a rustic, mountain-cabin-esque coffee house that was cute in the I-just-shot-a-twelve-point-buck kind of way.

He drank his coffee bitter, dark as midnight, and endlessly.

I liked milk and sugar. I liked fru-fru and beverages that didn’t give me heartburn.

I wanted whipped cream. Lots of whipped cream. When I ordered my latte, the cashier looked at me like I’d just asked for a liquid skunk.

“You did?”

He nodded and then had this faraway look, “He won't let you go easily.”

I gazed at him. Gazed.

“What do you mean?”

“He dared me not to hurt you. I get it now.” He twirled his coffee in his hand and looked at the bubbles.

“Huh?”

“Do you like it dark?” he said. I looked at him and tried to understand what I liked dark. Then I realized he was asking about my coffee. 

I shook my head. 

“You sure?” As if I would reconsider my order and pick battery acid instead.

But in the end, I did. I was too self-conscious to go through with it. “Just a regular coffee, then,” I mumbled. “And some milk.”

I shouldn’t be that hard on the place, though. Despite my rough introduction, Yoongi had led me to oversized leather chairs that I could squish back in and tuck my feet beneath me.

Now that we were leaning in close in our respective chairs, chatting over warm coffee while a light rain pelted the gloomy afternoon, I felt more relaxed about the place- even if my bitter beverage was melting my insides.

Except I ruined the potentially romantic moment by letting my mind drift.

“I’m sorry,” I told him honestly. “I just…I don’t have an excuse.”

I was too embarrassed to look at him, but I heard the forgiveness in his voice when he said, “Yes you do. You’ve got a lot going on.”

I lifted my gaze shyly. “I hate that I always make our conversations about me and my problems.”

“Don’t be sorry. I like talking about you.”

His words brought a fierce blush to my face, which I took as a good sign.

See? I was interested in Yoongi. I liked his compliments. I liked his attention.

But then all of that was ruined when a rolling wave of nausea crashed through me and I thought I would be sick.

I swallowed back strong coffee and a hell of a lot of half-and-half and gave him a trembling smile. “Thank you for taking me out for coffee even if I’ve failed at conversation.”

He watched me for long moments. Something flashed in his eyes, dimming them slightly. I didn’t know him well enough to name every one of his emotions, but I was pretty sure this one could be called disappointment.

I nibbled on my lip self-consciously and tried to think of something to talk about.

“Has your school year improved?” he asked before I could say anything.

I threw myself into paying attention to him. “A little. I think the junior class is trying to get me to retire early. Really early. Possibly by Christmas break. But other than that it’s mostly battling freshmen to remember everything they need for class and going to war with seniors who think they’re graduating tomorrow instead of in May.”

“Your year sounds a lot like mine,” he chuckled. “The juniors this year are something special.”

“You would think I knew what to expect since I’ve had them for the last two years. But they are pulling out all the stops this quarter. Actually, I have one class with both juniors and seniors that is truly a challenge. I had to break up a fight yesterday over some HBO show. I thought they were going to send each other to the hospital.”

“Who was it?”

“Chae Yeonjun and Huening Kai.” He nodded at me sympathetically. “If those two boys were able to combine their egos, I think they would usher in Armageddon. I’ve never had such egotistical maniacs in class at the same time before. It’s out of control.”

Yoongi let out a bark of laughter and leaned forward. His fingers brushed mine, but I had to be honest with myself and say I didn’t feel a single tingle or butterfly.

This was too soon for me. That was abundantly clear.

“They really are something else,” he agreed. “If they both make it to graduation, it will be a miracle.”

That sobered me some. “I hope they do. Those two kids need high school diplomas. I don’t want to think of what their futures hold if they drop out.”

He canted his head and the corners of his lips drew down. “They might find a future like that anyway.”

I took a deep breath and pressed my lips together to keep from agreeing with him. This was the price we paid as teachers. It didn’t matter whether we worked in an inner-city school or a wealthy private one in the suburbs, we could invest everything we had in our students and they could still throw their lives away after graduation.

We could give them every single thing in our educational arsenal, and they could still make poor decisions that ruined any chance of a successful future they had.

That was the problem with caring so deeply for the kids I taught. I wasn’t really responsible for them. I had no control over their lives or the decisions they made. I gave and gave and gave and then hoped and hoped and hoped they learned something from me.

Yoongi downed the rest of his coffee and set his cup down on the small table that sat between us. “Thanks for hanging out with me.”

I clutched my huge, gray mug with both hands. “Thanks for inviting me.”

We were silent an awkward beat too long when he said, “You’re not ready for this.”

My eyes snapped up and widened at him. “What?”

His voice pitched low and soft, “I, uh, I thought you might be, you know, ready for something. You’re not. That’s okay. Obviously, it’s okay. I just read this wrong. I wanted to apologize.”

“No, it’s not that I’m not ready…Well, I wouldn’t say that I am ready. But I’m not…not ready. I just…I don’t know…What I’m trying to say is…” I stopped talking. That was getting neither of us anywhere. I took a deep breath and met his steady gaze again. “Okay, maybe I’m not ready.”

He chuckled and I wanted to die, except that his eyes were twinkling again and his smile looked genuine. “You’re not ready, Jungkook. I’m sorry I pushed you.”

“If I’m honest, I didn’t know you were pushing me. I thought I was…you know…ready to move on.”

“It’s okay.” His hand landed on mine and he squeezed. “I had unrealistic expectations I suppose.”

“Was it that easy for you to move on? I mean, it’s only been six months. We were married for seven years. But I guess you were married for longer than that, huh?”

His warm eyes looked like melting chocolate when they filled with sympathy for me. “By the time Jimin and I separated both of us were more than ready to move on. We had spent so many years at each other’s throats and wishing for change, that when we finally walked away from each other, both of us found peace we hadn’t known in a very long time. I think that made moving on easier.”

“Oh.” My thoughts tumbled together.

Hadn’t the same been true for Taehyung and me?

Was it just me that was having such a hard time moving on?

“That doesn’t mean dating is easier than it was before. It’s definitely as bad as I remember.”

I smiled at him. “You still want to settle down with someone? Even after your first marriage?”

He didn’t hesitate, “Definitely. Jimin and I weren’t right for each other, but that doesn’t mean I’m wrong for everyone or everyone’s wrong for me. There’s someone out there for me.”

“There is someone out there for you,” I told him honestly. “You’re a good guy, Yoongi. I’m sorry this didn’t work out.”

He cleared his throat and murmured thoughtfully, “Me too.”

I stood up after that. I didn’t know what else to say. Unlike Yoongi, I didn’t have the same perspective. My marriage wrecked me. I couldn’t do that to myself again. I didn’t want to.

The thought of going through that much pain again terrified me. I was positive I wouldn’t survive it.

And frankly, I couldn’t hurt someone again like I’d hurt Taehyung.

Yoongi stood up too and his hand settled on my shoulder, but it was filled with nothing but friendly affection, at least on my part.

“I’ll take you back to school so you can get your car,” he offered. “Thanks.”

We parted ways on good terms.

I didn’t think there was enough interest on his part for him to be truly upset that I hadn’t wanted more. And honestly, I hadn’t known I didn’t want more with him until we went out.

Yoongi was all the things that I thought I wanted. He was thoughtful. He was attentive. He tried. But even after all of that, if I was truly honest with myself, he was everything that I wanted and still not what I wanted.

I drove home wondering if things would have been different if he’d given me more time or if I had been more willing to let go of the marriage I thought I couldn’t wait to get out of.

I wondered how long it would take for me to get over Taehyung. If I’d ever be ready to move on.

I wondered if I’d ever heal.

If I would ever find myself again.

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