PART IV - BARGAINING - C-1/2

We’re Managed(Damaged).

TAEHYUNG

I actually went to the gym on Friday. I’d been avoiding it so I wouldn’t kill Yoongi or set a treadmill on his face. However, I need to work out, it will help. Showing to Jungkook these next few months that I still love him is going to take a toll.

Meanwhile, I still haven’t even figured out what drove the wedge.

I managed to do my routine without seeing the Alpha but after my shower, while I was getting dressed he came around a corner and paused when he saw me. I only looked long enough to warn him with my eyes not to approach before I pulled on a shirt.

“Hey,” he said as he slowly came in and went to his locker. I didn’t answer as I sat to pull on socks.

“Listen,” he leaned his back into the lockers, “can we just…talk?”

His phone went off in his open locker and I ached inside like I’d never ached before.

Was that him? Was that Jungkook? I’d made him feel like his calls or messages were annoying, and now some other guy was getting them.

 He silenced it then tried again. “I really didn’t know Taehyung, I swear.”

 I put on my shoes and kept my eyes on my task.

 He tried again, “I wouldn’t have if I’d known.”

I stood and shouldered my bag. “Now you know. Plan to stop?”

He swallowed and didn’t answer. Avoided my eyes, even. Guilty as charged.  

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” I said as I shoved his shoulder with mine, going past.

“Would you be able to? You know what it’s like to want Kookie. Would anything have stopped you?”

That was a fair question. No, nothing would or could, not even Yoongi.

I stopped to look back. “Hey, I get it. I don’t have to like it or support it. I don’t have to like you. I believe you if it makes you feel better, I know you’re not that kind of guy, but I still want to break your face.”

He nodded and slung a towel over his shoulder. “I really am sorry though. But if it assures you he still isn't over you.”

I looked him up and down. Yeah, I could see how it happened. He was a teacher, his twin in hobbies, beliefs, and living choices. He was an equal in appearance with me and he was good.

I hated it but I knew it. “Just know that if you hurt him at all. I’ll hurt you.” I threatened.

He accepted that but then a glint of humor sparked. “But for the law’s sake that’s hypothetical right?” he asked.

I only gave him a flash of a closed-mouth smile, “Yeah,” and the smile was gone.

I left.

!!~~~~!!

I went to the grocery store that night and shopped to kill time because there was very little food in the house. Going to restaurants by myself was feeling more and more awkward and lonely.

I was passing the healthy aisles and stopped to stare. Jungkook always shopped in these aisles. Then I saw someone with raven hair in a half updo come around pushing a smaller cart.

I knew those hands anywhere.

Jungkook.

I was leaning like a slouch over my cart but I straightened and backed up so I could U-turn to ride up behind him.

I had to walk slow as hell when I got trapped between an old lady moving at the pace of a sloth with Lyme. I bugged my eyes while we crawled along, and darted when he pulled over.

Why don’t carts have car horns?

I took in Kookie after jogging my way around the store. He was in tight jeans and a grey T-shirt. They were tight jeans though, so I needed to appreciate that for a second, then I rolled up beside him so the carts were aligned and set my hand on his middle back.

He startled then saw me and took a breath, “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” I took my hand away, “what are we up to?”

“Shopping.” He looked suspicious. “Why are you in the ‘granola breath’ aisle, as you call it?”

“Well, I don’t eat like a pig. Obviously,” I patted my abs.

“I know, still…”

I looked in his cart and then added that he was dressed pretty nice, he had shoes on.

Uh oh.

His phone had buzzed at the gym.

Fuck.

“Date tonight?” I guessed.

“Like I’d tell you after last time.”

“I won’t crash it I swear. Just curious.”

“You are too curious, these days.”

 “I can help.”

 “I don’t think I want any more help from you.” Jungkook started walking so I followed.

“But see, I was married to you for seven years. That means I know all your strong points with cooking and your downfalls.”

He skidded to a stop. “Downfalls?”

I peered into his basket and then leaned on my cart. “Pasta and meatballs? Playing it safe then?”

He pushed on but with me following and with that thoughtful expression I knew I had him in 3, 2, 1…

“Safe?” he asked.

Bingo.

“You’re cooking him dinner right?”

He reneged on telling me. “This is weird again…but yeah.”

“For starters…this is a big deal. I mean, this is like the men’s club approval test. The NFL of Omegas if you will. It determines everything. Is he a good cook? Will my kids eat well and come back from college to eat on weekends? Does he fail miserably and not know it? That means I have to fake liking it till I die. Does he know but secretly wants me to be the cook so if I don’t catch the hint we starve?”

“People think all that?”

“Sure. It’s survival. Plus what you cook says a lot too.” I gave his cart a ‘wow’ look.

“What? What’s wrong with pasta?”

“First off, this isn’t pasta,” I took the box of spaghetti and shook it, “this is healthy broomstick bristles. Second,” I put it back and winced at the cold jiggly thing in my hand, “this isn’t meat, it’s tofu. You’re making your date fake meat, that’s false advertising. You’re an incredible cook but not when you’re health conscious.”

“Yoongi likes the kind of food I tried making for you. He’s as health conscious as I am.”

“Again, it’s not like I vote for fast food, I don’t get this body from eating donuts. I just believe in moderation and physical fitness. I also feel free to eat normal people's food.”

“He likes what I like, so I still don’t see what’s wrong with pasta.” he turned a corner quickly to lose me but I caught up.

“It’s also lazy. It’s the easiest thing ever, if there’s no effort it looks like you don’t care.”

Jungkook slowed around the dairy and took that in. “Make him your eggplant parmesan. That was the meal that won me back then.”

He came to a slow stop and faced me. “My eggplant?”

“Yeah it was like six months after we met, and Namjoon was stuck in a night class, so we went out to eat. You like exploring new places so we went to a weird little hole in the wall and I ordered eggplant. It was so bad I couldn’t take a second bite but you bet you could make better. We shopped, went back to my frat house and you made the evilest good eggplant parm on this planet.” I looked to see I had him pretty entranced.

“You remember that?”

“Yeah, I fell in love a little.”

He took his eyes away and I mourned the loss of them.

Then he said, “The next time we meet at the lawyer's office make sure your lawyer appears because I want to…move things along.”

I was so sure I had him there but now the disappointment was crushing. I guess this was how he’d been feeling for two years.

But what happened to cause those two years?!

!!~~~~!!

JUNGKOOK

 Seeing Taehyung in the market screwed my nerves big time. He knew what he was doing to me and I had to stop letting it happen. He was getting in my head.

When I received a call from Yoongi, I made an excuse for not feeling well. Well, I even told him that I forgot I had an appointment with the vet for Pikachu’s monthly checkup.

I knew he didn’t buy it. He even encouraged to join me, but I was too much of a coward to allow him since there was no routine check-up or no illness on my part.

My life was still that old pathetic one.

I spent my evening alone on the couch with Pikachu perched on my lap while I ate boiled ramyeon and gimbap.

!!~~~~!!

I spent the rest of the weekend in a funk. I couldn’t concentrate on grading papers and when I tried to clean my house, I spontaneously burst into an uncontrollable sob fest that lasted until my voice was hoarse, I felt sick to my stomach and I had no more tears to cry.

Officially, I was sick of myself.

By the time I walked into my mom’s house Sunday afternoon, I couldn’t wait to start school on Monday so I could get away from me.

That’s how desperate I was.

I actually wanted to go back to work.

I was tired of thinking. Tired of overanalyzing everything. Tired of blaming my heartbreak and failed marriage on Taehyung.

I needed to take responsibility too.

But I also hoped he never found out. I would take responsibility silently. I would take it and never tell him about it.

Hopefully, one day, we will move on in separate directions. Hopefully, we could find the opportunity to heal.

Until then… I just needed to get this over with as quickly as possible.

I was early for the Sunday luncheon. I hadn’t been able to take another breath in the suffocating memories of my house, so I escaped to a different sort of hell- my family.

Jungwon and Soyeon weren’t here yet. In the living room, my dad was watching a football game, not the Bears, though, feet up and laid back in his worn recliner. He was far too relaxed for a Bears game to be on.

The sight of him like that made me smile. It was so familiar…so home-like that I couldn’t help but pause in the doorway and grin at him.

He looked up at me with heavily lidded eyes, as if he were just on the brink of falling asleep. “Hey, Kiddo.”

“Hi, Dad.”

“You’re early.”

“I thought I’d help out today.”

He smiled lazily and turned his attention back to the TV, “Your Ma will appreciate it.”

“Need anything? Iced tea? Beer?”

“Beer,” he grunted. “But don’t let your mother see.”

I walked through the living room to the kitchen feeling more like myself than I had in months. Most of the time I couldn’t stand my family, but it was irritation born from love.

I loved them fiercely.

I just also got irritated with them fiercely.

“Hi, Mom,” I said softly.

I walked straight to the refrigerator and pulled out a can of beer and the pitcher of iced tea, hiding one behind the other.

I put the iced tea on the counter and walked back into the living room to hand the beer to my dad. I let my bag drop on the couch and returned to the kitchen.

Beer successfully delivered.

Mission accomplished.

“I saw that.” My mother didn’t lift her eyes from the sweet potatoes she was mashing.

“Saw what?”

She made a noise in the back of her throat but didn’t argue further. My dad opened his can and the click of metal and his subsequent, “Ah,” echoed through the house.

My mother made another disgruntled snort. I couldn’t help but smile.

“If it bothers you, you should say something,” I teased her.

She threw me a look over her shoulder. “If I made it known every time your father did something that bothered me, we wouldn’t have made it through our first year of marriage.”

“But if you said something now, he would listen to you.” For some reason, I couldn’t let it go. I had to make her see that she needed to stand up for herself. My dad wasn’t completely unreasonable. He would do what it took to keep the peace.

“Jungkook, your father has known who he is and what he’s wanted since the very first day I met him. If he wants to have a beer before lunch, by god, he is going to have one.” I opened my mouth to argue, but she held up her spatula and silenced me. “I respect that. I respect him. I don’t have to like it, but I do have to trust him. And I trust him to take care of me, this family, and himself. That’s all I need.”

Sufficiently chastised, all I could come up with was a soft, “Oh.”

“But it would help if my children weren’t accomplices to his every heathen whim.”

This time I laughed. “I thought I was sneaky enough to get away with it.”

She gave me a pointed look over her shoulder, “Child, I see all. I know all.” My smile broke into a wide grin and I laughed until she said, “Now get over here and melt the butter so I can mix it with the marshmallows.”

“Yes, ma’am.” But inside I was doing a happy dance because we were having sweet potatoes.

Taehyung would have been so disappointed if he knew he missed my mother’s famous sweet potato casserole. It was his absolute favorite and she made it for him at least once a month.

It was the only way we could convince him to keep coming back here for Sunday lunch.

I shook my head of thoughts of Taehyung. I should focus on Yoongi. Clearly, I was having issues letting go of my marriage.

Which was to be expected, right? We had been together for a long time.

He had been engrained in my thoughts, tattooed on my soul, etched into my bones. Our relationship was the only adult relationship I knew.

I was not used to making decisions without him. I had never spent so much time alone. And it had been a very long time since I had to deal with my family by myself.

He had been by my side through so much that I physically couldn’t imagine my life without him. A few days ago, seeing him in the grocery mart sent me spiraling into that memory train when we used to fight over mozzarella cheese and cheddar cheese. 

At the same time, I couldn’t imagine continuing to live with him or be with him or fight with him over every little thing. I couldn't keep going in circles over the same thing again and again.

I was doing the right thing, it just took adjustment.

I needed adjustment.

A few minutes later Jungwon and Soyeon arrived with the girls and it felt like a hundred more people had shown up.

The girls were everywhere, running around to say hi to everyone, asking for bites of food and in general, just being their cute, crazy selves.

“Why don’t you take them in the backyard, Jungkook,” my mom suggested.

“They’ve been dying to see you and that way I can get lunch on the table without stepping on them.”

“Sure,” I said.

I had officially been kicked out of the kitchen. It was no secret that Soyeon was better at the domesticated stuff than anyone and I suspected my mother was tired of hovering over my shoulder to make sure I did everything just right.

“Ella, Lynnie! Come outside with me!”

I started walking toward the back door and they abandoned their plight to steal leftover marshmallows and followed me.

I knew they would. I was an awesome uncle.

We stepped into the sunny but cool afternoon and I glanced at them to make sure they still had their jackets on.

My parents had a small backyard, longer than it was wide, and sandwiched between two identical lawns on either side.

The yard was bordered by a chain link fence that had been replicated down the line in either direction. There was a satellite that hung on the back of the fence and a garden my mother worked tirelessly on that stretched from one side of the yard to the other.

They had a short deck that held their grill and on the patio beneath, a covered swing that would fit the three of us perfectly.

I grew up in this house. My parents were both born and bred Seoulites and they made sure their children had the same fate.

It was one of the things I was most grateful for.

I loved this city.

I loved its pretty architecture and bustling downtown. I loved my parents’ neighborhood and my neighborhood and the specific feel of it just being home.

I loved Lake Seokchon. I loved the tourist traps and the shopping. I loved the food scene. And the music scene. I loved everything about this city.

My parents’ house hadn’t changed much since I was a kid. They’d taken down the rickety metal swing set Jungwon and I grew up with, but only so they could replace it with safer outdoor toys for the girls.

There was a sandbox now where I used to swing and a lone plastic slide that the girls barely played with anymore. They were getting too big.

Ella was eight and Evelyn was five. I knew Jungwon and Soyeon were done having kids so I wondered if my parents planned to keep those toys or get rid of them. I obviously wasn’t going to be fulfilling my portion of grandkids for them.

“Uncle Kookie, push us!” Evelyn demanded sweetly.

I dug my toes into the cement and pushed off so hard that the swing rocked back and forth on its legs. The girls giggled uncontrollably as we forced the swing as high and fast as it could go.

I was just convinced I was going to have to buy my mom a new swing because we were on the verge of breaking hers when Soyeon poked her head out the back door and called us in for lunch.

The girls jumped off and raced inside, acting as if they’d never been fed before. I moved more slowly. It had been such a breath of fresh air to play with my nieces, but they often left a gaping hole in the place that wanted kids of my own.

Soyeon waited for me at the door and I noticed her nervous smile as soon as I stepped onto the deck.

“What’s wrong?” I asked carefully.

“Your parents did something really stupid,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry. I would have warned you sooner if I had known.”

“What did they do?” Panic and fear blinded me.

 I thought back on all of the other stupid things they’d done throughout the years and could only imagine how bad it would have been this time if Soyeon had come out to warn me.

“Taehyung is here,” she whispered.

“What?” My voice was not a whisper.

It was half shriek, half demonic growl. I couldn’t even imagine why he would be over here. I couldn’t imagine any scenario in which my parents would invite him over. “Oh, my god. The sweet potato casserole.”

Soyeon placed a warm hand on my shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what they were thinking.”

“They obviously weren’t,” I snapped, then immediately felt bad. “I’m sorry,” I winced. “It’s just… this is the very worst possible time for me to see him again.”

I closed my eyes and remembered our meeting at the aisles in the grocery mart. Then I churned the wheels some more and remembered our Friday night together. I felt his lips on my temple, kissing me goodnight.

I blinked and pictured us screaming at each other across the house, pissed and unforgiving and oh so broken. I pictured the night we fought, as he picked up his pillow and left me on the bed…he left me for months without a word.

I pictured him at the grocery store, my failed date lost… lost without me… lost in a new existence that neither of us anticipated.

I did not need to see Taehyung right now.

I needed as much time and separation as I could get from him. The only thing lunch would do was confuse me more.

And we would have to be so fake.

It’s not like we could hash out our years of issues in front of my parents and my brother and his perfect freaking family.

I looked at the backyard and contemplated my escape. “Are you really going to run away?”

I could tell Soyeon was laughing at me, but this was so much more serious than she realized.

“I was thinking about it.” I let out an aggravated sigh.

“Soyeon and Jungkook, the food is getting cold!” My mother’s voice sounded shrill and irritated throughout the house.

I looked at Soyeon, hoping she would have a solution. “It’s just one lunch,” she shrugged. She held the door open wider and I stepped through it, knowing there was no way to avoid the impending train wreck.

I breathed deeply and made it to the dining room, where I stopped breathing altogether.

Sure enough, Kim Taehyung, my soon to be ex-husband was there.

Our eyes locked and I could feel his uncertainty pulsing over him in waves.

He stood when he saw me, pushing back from the chair and making an awkward gesture of helplessness with his hands.

His smile was nervous and he looked as nice as he did the other day.

Another oxford, this one beige that brought out the green in his eyes. “What are you doing-” I had just about asked him why he was here, but he was right when he accused me of always being surprised to see him.

Even though this time I felt justified.

I started to wonder if I really did expect that he would stop living after I left him. Not that I wanted him to die, I just couldn’t imagine his story apart from mine.

I couldn’t picture him in a life that didn’t include me or a future that didn’t revolve around me.

Did that make me the most self-absorbed person in the world?

Taehyung’s lips twitched tellingly from obvious nerves. “I called your dad last week to see if I could pick up the amps we’d stored in his garage.”

“I forgot about those.” I cut a look to my dad, who was stalwartly avoiding eye contact with me.

“I knew we’d be home today,” my dad told his roast chicken.

“I invited him to lunch,” my mother declared. I looked at her, my eyes bugging out of my head.

“What?” she gasped innocently. “Just because you no longer want the boy, doesn’t mean we’re ready to give him up. He’s our son. We miss him. I miss him.”

Their son???

Did they miss him? They couldn’t stand him!

I turned back to Taehyung with wide eyes, expecting him to be as skeptical of my parents as I was. But his gaze had narrowed and his smile had turned into a hard line.

“I’m sorry,” I told him sincerely.

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” he answered curtly.

“Sit down,” my father demanded. “The food’s getting cold.”

I did as I was told, which meant I took the seat next to Taehyung. It was convenient how that was the only one left open.

We started to pass the food around the table and conversation began, but it was stilted and forced. My entire body prickled with unease.

It was one thing to face Taehyung in my house, away from other people and prying eyes. But it was something else entirely to be on display in front of my family.

I felt their judgment skyrocket. I felt my own guilt triple. It was so stupid.

I shouldn’t have to deal with this!

When everyone but Taehyung and I was engaged in conversation, he leaned in and murmured, “You don’t have to throw a temper tantrum. I won’t bother you for long.”

I gave him a fast glare and refocused on tearing my biscuit to shreds. “I’m not throwing a temper tantrum.”

“Oh, really?” his chuckle was dark and without humor.

“Why do you need your amps? I thought you didn’t like their sound?” 

He stabbed at his chicken with his fork and knife, sawing them savagely. “Is it a crime to come over to your parents’ house? To get my stuff?”

“Stop avoiding the question.”

“Stop acting like a three-year-old.”

That was it.

The last straw.

My chair scratched over the wood flooring as I pushed back and jumped up from my seat. I fled for the door, ignoring the protests and frustrated calls of my name.

I had to get out of here.

I couldn’t do this.

I couldn’t be us again.

I grabbed my bag off the couch and let the screen door slam shut behind me. It snapped against the frame for a second time when Taehyung followed me outside.

“Jungkook, are you serious?”

I whirled around and tried to breathe through my anger. “Tae, are you?”

“What is your problem? I thought we were cool. A few days ago we were shopping–”

My eyes flooded with tears and I wasn’t sure why. “Don’t,” I whispered.

He took a step back. His hand had been reaching out to me and he dropped it.

“You’re serious,” he said.

“I can’t do this. I can’t have you here with my parents, acting as if nothing’s wrong. As if we’re fine and normal and not in the middle of a divorce.”

“We’re not in the middle of a divorce,” he bit out. “We’re separated, Jungkook. Neither of us has filed. Neither of us has to file.”

“What?” The breath whooshed out of me and for a second I didn’t think I’d be able to stay standing. “You appeared at my lawyer’s office without yours. What do you expect Taehyung?”

“You heard me. I put some terms. I’m here to meet your parents.” He lifted his jaw defiantly and narrowed his gaze again.

For a hysterical second, I thought he was going to dare me not to divorce him. As if all I needed was the challenge of making us work and I would forget about wanting to leave him.

As if I would take his dare. As if it were that easy. I deflated. It’s just a game for him. Everything was. Everything is. 

“Did you even need your amps?” I took a step toward him, not sure what I was going to do or say.

Part of me wanted to shake him. The other part wanted to collapse in his arms and tell him he was right.

So.

Right.

“Was this just an excuse to see me again?”

He returned my question with one of his own. “Why are you so hell-bent on leaving me? Is this about having a baby? Jungkook, I-”

My heart jumped in my chest and then crashed back into place, only this time it was shattered into a million pieces.

“Don’t,” I begged him with a broken, desperate voice. “Don’t.”

 A tearless, silent sob shook my entire body and I had to hold my hand to my face to keep from completely falling apart. “Tae, this,” I flicked my finger between us, “is what this is about. Not kids, not my parents not any other reason than we cannot get along. When we’re together, we’re miserable. I’m tired of being miserable.”

“We weren’t the other night,” he quickly reminded me. “We weren’t miserable.”

“That was one night! One! What about all of the other nights? What about all of the other days and fights and years of not getting along? I’m not trying to hurt you. Or, at least, not intentionally. I’m trying to give you a chance to find happiness somewhere else.”

“Because you want to find happiness somewhere else.”

I could have argued with him. I could have sworn that it wasn’t entirely about me, that I wanted us both to be better off, that I was thinking of him as much as I was myself.

But I didn’t.

Instead, I let him believe it. I let him think the worst of me. I let him decide that I wasn’t worth fighting for.

“I have to go,” I whispered.

“You want Min Yoongi.” It was a statement. Not a question. 

I stopped dead in my traks but didn’t say anything. For a second I wanted Taehyung to crush me in his arms. But I heard a low growl. He was angry. Then I heard his retreating footsteps. He didn’t argue and he didn’t come after me again.

He walked away. Again.

I got in my car and drove away.

I didn’t last one block before I started crying again before the tears and pain became so much I had to pull over and cave into the pressure in my chest and the sobs that racked my entire body.

Eventually, I stopped crying.

Eventually, I stopped shaking.

But when I got home, I didn’t feel any better. And when I crawled into my empty bed that night, it started all over again.

The question lingered, “Do I want Min Yoongi.’

The answer was clear-cut no. I didn't want Min Yoongi. I wanted Taehyung. And I wanted him to want me back.

My life was miserable with him. And more miserable without him.

I didn’t go to family dinner for the rest of the month.

!!~~~~!!