PART - V - DEPRESSION C2/5

He’s completely (un)predictable.

The next time I saw Taehyung was a week before Thanksgiving at our first round of mediation. My lawyer had suggested getting the help of a third party after Taehyung remained completely uncooperative.

I hoped mediation was the answer.

I didn’t want to go to trial, and I couldn’t believe Taehyung did either. I truly believed we could work through everything civilly.

At least I hoped we could.

I had assured Mr. Jung that Taehyung and I could be polite and mature, but my lawyer was in his mid-fifties and had apparently seen his fair share of bitter and hateful couples. He didn’t have the most positive attitude where the dissolution of marriage was concerned.

Then again, he had the kind of demeanor that generally expected the worst. Beneath his disheveled white hair was a face that could never be pleased. Deep wrinkles stretched across his forehead and gathered in the corners of his dull eyes.

His mouth was perpetually turned down and his wide shoulders drooped beneath his crumpled cheap suits.

He reminded me of a hound dog.

An old hound dog.

But he knew divorce law and he’d promised to get me what I needed- which was a divorce. He just had no hope that the proceedings would be easy.

And he was probably right.

I stepped onto the elevator of the building that housed the celebrities and ignored the taste in my mouth that felt like vomit on my tongue and bile in my stomach. Our first official meeting was set in Taehyung’s lawyer’s office.

And it was immaculate.

I needed a minute to steady my nerves and prepare for the battle I was headed into, but the glass walls and busy lobby prevented solitude.

I was on display the moment I walked into the building.

Not that I really thought all of these people were paying attention to little old me. But I felt like they were. My emotions manipulated my brain until I had to force myself not to hide my face in my hand.

It was silly. Especially when divorce is so common these days.

But I felt completely transparent for the world to see. I felt like there was a giant neon sign following me around, blinking an arrow at my back and declaring, ‘This one’s getting a divorce! He couldn’t make his marriage work! He’s a failure! He’s a failure! He’s a failure!’

God, I needed a drink.

And maybe some therapy. With someone who wasn’t my best friend, Hoseok.

I stared at the climbing numbers as I moved upward and wondered what the statistic was on divorce driving people crazy. I had never been concerned about my mental health before.

Not until the last few months when it became an epic, life-ending struggle just to get through each day. Now I felt brittle and breakable. I felt on the verge of losing every ounce of precarious sanity I had left.

The elevator opened on the eleventh floor and I stepped into the reception room. Mr. Jung waited for me near the door, glancing at his watch impatiently.

Taking in his rumpled appearance I suddenly felt very self-conscious. I smoothed my hands over my brown, wide-leg trousers and tugged on my beige sweater.

A groan fell from my lips when I realized we were going to walk into the conference room looking equally ruffled. We were united in our disheveledness.

That didn’t bode well for us.

Taehyung had been nice enough to schedule our mediation after school and I’d come straight here. I spent the entire day avoiding mustard and coffee stains. I had a close call when I snuck a Twix bar in the afternoon, but all in all, I came out of school unscathed.

Still, I’d spent the entire day in these clothes. I hardly looked my best.

And I hated how that bothered me.

I hated that it wasn’t because I wanted to look professional or grown up.

I hated that I wanted to look good so Taehyung could see what he was losing. I wanted him to regret this…to regret losing me.

And I wanted him to recognize the omega he couldn’t keep his hands on all his life.

I was sick.

There was something wrong with me. “Mr. Jeon,” my lawyer greeted unhappily.

“Mr. Jung, I hope you haven’t been waiting long.”

He made a grunting noise I didn’t know how to interpret. “They’re waiting for us.” His wrinkled arm swept toward a hallway. “This way.”

I followed him around the corner and found Taehyung leaning against a doorframe I could see leading to the conference room. A rush of nerves washed over my body. It started at the top of my head and deluged my entire being with sharp shivers and a cold sweat.

I shouldn’t be here.

No, wait. This was exactly why I was here. I had to face him.

I had to end this.

My heart clenched at the way his eyebrows scrunched together and the fierce concern in his jade eyes.

Oh, god, why had I ever wanted them to come alive again?

Why had I ever hoped that he would see me again?

I should have wished for his gaze to stay lifeless.

At least around me. It was too much.

He was too much.

“Are you alright, Mr. Jeon?” Mr. Jung’s hand landed with a tentative thump on my shoulder. “Mr. Jeon? Jungkook?” he called again.

I blinked my lawyer into focus. “Huh?”

“Are you alright?” he repeated.

Courage, I demanded from my body.

Strength, I whispered desperately.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

His forehead wrinkled with concern. “You stopped walking.”

My brave façade crumpled, “I, uh, I… I thought I was ready for this, but…”

He leaned in and I tried not to wrinkle my nose against his abhorrent scent. It was enough to wake me from my Taehyung-induced stupor, however.

“He can’t take anything from you unless you let him, Mr. Jeon. He gave up that diamond ring. And like that he would give it all up. We’ll fight every last thing to the bone if we have to.”

I let out a shaky breath and nodded my head even though I knew his words were a lie. Taehyung didn’t have to wait for me to relinquish anything. He’d already taken enough.

He’d taken too much.

My happiness.

My heart.

My soul.

So why did the sight of him like this physically hurt me?

Why did I have the almost undeniable compulsion to throw myself into his arms and never let go?

Mr. Jung’s hand fell to my elbow where he nudged me forward. It didn’t take long before we reached a clipped pace, hurrying toward the conference room as if we couldn’t wait to be there.

I sucked in a sharp breath and held it as we passed Kim Taehyung. Mr. Jung stepped aside to let me go first and I hoped to slip by Taehyung without incident.

His hand reached out and grabbed my wrist, “We need to talk,” he said in a low, gravelly voice.

I shook my head once, letting him know I would not discuss anything other than our reasons for being here. “That’s why we’re here, isn’t it? We’re going to talk about this maturely. We’re going to act like grownups.”

“Two minutes,” he demanded. “I want two minutes.” He tugged on his earlobe with his free hand and my tenacity drained out of me.

He wasn’t playing fair.

It was on the tip of my tongue to agree. He wasn’t the only one that wanted to say something about the other night. I needed to make sure he knew it was a one-time deal.

I needed him to acknowledge that it was a mistake.

I’d been afraid of that very thing until this moment. Until I stood before him and started to question my own resolve.

“Jungkook?” my lawyer urged from behind me. “We need to get started.”

Taehyung’s eyes flasshed up to glare at my lawyer. “He’s paying you by the hour, isn’t he? Bill him.”

Bill me? Wait a second…

“Charming,” Mr. Jung mumbled.

“Let’s just get this over with, Taehyung. I don’t want to be here anymore than you do.”

He stood up straighter and hit me with his steely gaze. “Yeah, but our reasons could not be more different.”

My mouth felt suddenly like sandpaper.

God, since when did he start talking in code?

Why couldn’t this be easy?

Or at least easier?

I walked into the conference room and closed my eyes against the sweet coolness that hit my face. This room was supercooled and even though the November chill had turned biting and ice-filled, I had been overly warm since I walked into this building.

Seriously, I was bordering on pit stains here. All this nervous energy gave me hot flashes straight from hell.

Taehyung’s lawyer was young and attractive. He exuded an energy that made me feel like chum in shark-infested waters- meaning, I could tell he was good at his job before he ever opened his mouth.

The conference room matched him. A huge, gleaming table sat in the middle of the room, surrounded by tall, comfortable leather chairs. Floor-to-ceiling windows took up one entire wall, boasting a beautiful view of the city and the busy traffic down below.

I glanced back at dear, old Mr. Jung and realized he hadn’t given me his first name. I knew it from when I looked it up, but he’d asked me to specifically call him Mr. Jung.

Taehyung was without a doubt on a first name basis with his lawyer. They probably went golfing on Saturdays because that was the kind of client service this kid provided. Then Taehyung would get a bill in the mail for six thousand dollars and an invitation to do it all over again.

I hated the guy before he ever jutted out his hand and introduced himself as “Park Seojoon.”

“Jeon Jungkook,” I said in return and gracefully extracted my hand.

“Normally I would say it’s a pleasure to meet you, Jungkook, but…”

“It’s not,” I finished for him.

His smile told me he was used to this response. He waved at a chair for me to take and I did so I wouldn’t have to talk with him anymore.

“I’m just going to grab Chae Wooshik and tell him we’re ready.”

Chae Wooshik was the man we’d hired to mediate. He came highly recommended by Mr. Jung and apparently Taehyung’s camp agreed. I hoped he was as nice as his name made him sound. I had a feeling I would need all the help I could get today.

Mr. Jung sat down next to me and opened his briefcase on the table to pull out the documents we would need. He handed me a legal pad and a pen and told me I could take my own notes if I wished.

I thought that was thoughtful of him. I immediately doodled my name and today’s date in the right-hand corner.

Teacherly habit.

Taehyung took the seat directly across from me and I breathed a little easier with the heavy, wide table between us. Park Seojoon ushered Chae Wooshik into the room, showed him to his seat at the head of the table, then took his seat next to Taehyung.

We were officially ready to begin.

The beginning of the proceedings was beyond tedious. There was a lot of legalese spoken and a long retelling of everything I already knew. I was the plaintiff, filing for divorce, or dissolution of marriage.

Taehyung had decided to be a jackass and make every single thing as difficult as he could so forth and so on.

Seojoon slid me an itemized list of all of the material possessions Taehyung considered his. “Among the items we have listed here, which my client claims are his,” I began to peruse them slowly, ticking off everything with begrudging approval, “my client would also like full ownership of the house. Mr. Jeon may willingly give up his portion or sell fifty percent of the appraised-”

“What?” My murderous glare found Taehyung’s and if looks could kill, I wouldn’t need to file for divorce, I’d be able to collect his life insurance.

Neither his stare nor his voice wavered.

“I want the house, Jungkook.” Taehyung replied lazily.

“But you can’t afford the house!”

“I can.”

“You can’t.”

“I can.”

“You forget that I know what you make, Taehyung. You can’t afford it! Besides, you already agreed to give it to me!”

Mr. Jung tried to settle me down. “Mr. Jeon, if you would-”

Taehyung spoke over him, “You have no idea how much I make, Jungkook. You don’t even know where I work.”

Seojoon spoke over both of them, “If you look at this, I think you’ll see that my client is perfectly capable of paying for the cost of the house and any costs related to it.”

I looked at the next piece of paper that Seojoon passed over. I rubbed at the numbers and figures laid out before me. I couldn’t make sense of them. I stared at them senselessly, hating that I felt close to tears again…hating that I felt stupid and unintelligent because I couldn’t comprehend them.

The room was silent as I absorbed Taehyung’s new salary.

Finally, with a gentleness I didn’t deserve, he explained. “I got a new job.”

“I can see that.” Hating that I snapped at him when he had been nice to me, I lifted my eyes and met his.

“Where?”

“A record label.”

“A record label?”

“Megahit,” he continued softly. “They’re kind of an up-and-coming—”

“I know who they are.”

And I did.

I’d been married to Taehyung long enough to have an idea of who was who in the music industry in Seoul.

Megahit Productions had been a dream for Taehyung. They produced the kind of music he played, they catered to the indie scene, and they had a promising future. “So, you work there?”

His smile was a little self-deprecating when he said, “I started as an intern. I fetched a lot of coffee. I mean a lot of coffee. I was promoted to an assistant shortly after I started, and it was an actual paid position. I thought I would stay there for a while, but recently I’ve been working with Dpogg; he’s a producer and director and he does some other stuff…anyway, they promoted me to a scout position recently.”

“It’s a dream job for you.” My words were nothing but a whisper.

I couldn’t breathe through the thickness in my throat, the tears welling up inside me threatening to flood this room. Maybe the whole office building.

I felt betrayed. I felt tricked. I felt…stepped on. No, trampled on.

This was what I wanted for him. This was what I wanted for years for him. I had never wanted him to walk away from music completely. I just…I didn’t want the late nights.

The weekends that were wrapped up in shitty gigs that paid nothing. I was tired of people throwing themselves at him and the stench of smoke and booze. I was tired of the look on his face when he would come home…the one that said he knew better.

The one that cut me so deep I thought I would bleed out right there on the floor of our bedroom.

“It is,” his voice was equally quiet.

My vision blurred as the tears pushed to the surface. I blinked rapidly, desperately trying to keep them at bay.

“Jungkook,” he whispered. “I didn’t do this to hurt you.”

“But you did anyway.”

“Can we continue?” Seojoon’s smooth voice penetrated the stifled air and I jerked in my seat.

I’d forgotten there were other people in the room. I swiped my cheek with the back of my hand and struggled to compose myself.

“Let’s come back to the house,” Taehyung suggested. “Give him some time to think about it.”

“There’s nothing to think about.” My voice trembled, but there was steel behind it.

Grit. I would not back down.

That was my house.

That was the only beautiful thing I would get to walk away with after this.

“Right, we’ll come back to it,” Seojoon mumbled sardonically. “Next up, joint custody.” He slid more papers toward me.

“Joint custody of what?” I blinked at more papers that I didn’t understand.

Seojoon didn’t seem as confused. “Of the child.”

“What child?” My anger and hurt quickly swirled into out-of-control confusion.

Honestly, what the hell was he talking about?

Was it possible that Taehyung was also married to someone else?

And they were also going through a divorce?

And they’d had a child?

And that divorce had somehow gotten mixed up with my divorce???

Because that was the only explanation that would make sense here.

“The child you might potentially be pregnant with,” Seojoon explained concisely.

“The child…What?!” I slid forward in my chair, nearly falling out of it.

I felt Seojoon’s hard stare at me, but I couldn’t see anything. His voice was harder when he asked, “Did you or did you not recently have sexual relations with my client? As recently as fifteen days ago?”

“I… I… I…”

Seojoon wasn’t finished. “And did you or did you not forego the use of a contraceptive or take preventative measures?”

I slammed my eyes shut and rubbed my forehead with the heel of my palm.

Oh, my god. This could not be happening.

This could not be happening.

Keeping my eyes tightly closed because I could not look at any of these men right now, I started stuttering, “I mean, I guess…” That night flashed in my mind.

Taehyung’s body against mine. His naked body against my equally naked one. A flush suffused my body, boiling with its intensity with the intensity of my equally suffocating scent.

I felt every inch of my skin turn bright red. Taehyung’s mouth was on mine. His hands were all over me, giving me what I wanted…what I needed. Taehyung inside me, making me his again…proving that I had never been anything but his.

“Oh, god,” I gasped and opened my eyes to escape the vivid images that were doing nothing to soften my blush.

I found Taehyung immediately, a smug expression on his face and a wicked little smirk playing on his lips.

That cocky bastard!

“No, I’m not pregnant!” I practically shouted my verdict. Mr. Jung jerked next to me. I’d surprised him.

“Did you take any measures to prevent pregnancy?” Seojoon asked steadily.

“No,” I hissed. We hadn’t taken measures to prevent pregnancy in over two years.

“So, you can’t be certain,” Seojoon concluded.

My eyes snapped up and I leveled him with my glare. “I can be certain. We didn’t need to prevent pregnancy because I can’t get pregnant.”

Seojoon raised one of his eyebrows and I knew this question was prompted by Taehyung. I mean, I couldn’t prove that it was, but if I had to bet my life, I would say it came straight from him.

“Is that a medical absolute?”

Losing my temper completely, I shoved back in my chair and jumped to standing, “It’s a we-tried-for-more-than-two-years-to-conceive-and-never- did absolutely! Yeah, it’s a goddamn absolute. I’m not pregnant!”

I was so angry my body started shaking. I ground my teeth together so forcefully that I was convinced I was going to crack every last one of them.

I turned my attention to Taehyung. “How dare you.” He opened his mouth as if he wanted to respond, but I hit him with another, “How dare you.”

He pushed to standing too, meeting me eye-to-eye. He leaned forward menacingly and rested both hands on the table. Chae Wooshik, who had done absolute jackshit stood too, trying to pacify both of us by pumping his hands.

I ignored him. I ignored everyone in the room but my very soon-to-be ex-husband.

In a growling voice that packed quite the punch, Taehyung argued, “The truth is, Jungkook, we didn’t use protection. And I’m not going to piss away rights to my child by ignoring the very real possibility that you are pregnant.”

I leaned forward too, feeling as though I were about to spit venom. “Fine, Taehyung. If you want to believe I might be pregnant, then good for you. But other than humiliating me, I’m not sure why you felt the need to bring it up now before we could possibly know one way or the other! I would never keep a child from you! I would never take away your rights as a parent!”

Taehyung stared at me, his eyes piercing deeper than I thought possible. He raised one mocking eyebrow at me and issued a challenge. He didn’t trust me. He didn’t trust me to give him permission to see our child. If we had one.

Which we wouldn’t. It was impossible.

My hands landed on my stomach, and I had to fight with everything I had left not to crumble in front of these people. They had no idea what this fight meant to me, how deep it cut.

They saw two people acting crazy, but they couldn’t possibly understand how hurtful Taehyung’s accusations were.

I wanted nothing more than a baby. I wanted nothing but for my nights to be interrupted by feedings and my arms to be filled with the likeness of Taehyung or me. I ached with the need. My bones hurt and my spirit shattered with the frustration and disappointment of not being able to conceive.

This was the lowest he could go. This was the very bottom.

I stood up straighter and sniffled. “We’re finished.” I started gathering up my papers. “I’m done for tonight. We’ll have to reschedule.”

Seojoon tried to argue, “But we’re not—”

Mr. Jung leaped to my defense. “That’s an excellent idea, Mr. Jeon.” He turned his attention to Seojoon. “We’ll be in touch when we want to reschedule.”

Seojoon glanced wildly at Taehyung. “It’s fine,” Taehyung nodded. “This was a lot for one day.”

My chin trembled with the effort to hold back my tears. I swallowed thickly and brushed at the corner of my eye.

I took a step back, the high-back leather chair rolling smoothly out of my way.

“There’s one last request that we didn’t discuss,” Seojoon’s cold voice caught me before I could leave the room. “I think it’s in your best interest if we bring it up now. That way you’ll have time to digest his demand.”

My words tasted like sand and dirt, “What is it?”

“The dog, Mr. Jeon,” Seojoon answered coolly. “My client would like ownership of the dog too.”

I saw red. My vision literally blanketed in crimson red, and I thought for a second I would fly over the table and choke the life out of Taehyung. I couldn’t even see his face when I responded. I couldn’t see anything except red and violence and pure, unadulterated fury.

“Fcuk you.” And with that graceful, classy reply, I fled the conference room, the office building and if I had had anywhere to go outside of Seoul, I would have fled the country too.

Instead, I went back to my house and crawled into bed without changing clothes or even taking my coat off. Pikachu jumped up on the bed with me and with sweetness only he could show, licked my nose and laid his little head on my hand. That was when I finally lost it. Completely.

I held him close to my chest for as long as he would let me and cried, no, sobbed until the sun came up.

God, I hated divorce.

!!~~~~!!

“Jungkook?” I sighed at his distant voice. Even from the phone, I can see a scolding coming on my way.

“Yeah, Namjoon hyung. What is it?”

“Umm...I wanted to talk about—”

“No, you don’t get to lecture me on your little brother. He is as shitty as he was earlier. More, maybe but not less. And I wouldn’t give him my house or Pikachu. It was so low of him to even bring a child in the terms.” I babbled non-stop.

“But Jungkook thinks it twice. Since you both had known each other for years and—”

“And yet he stooped so low. He wants me homeless. Well, Newsflash – I’m not going to give him anything let alone my home. If he wants a fight yeah then fight, I’ll give.”

With that, I had the urge to throw my phone across the wall but then thought against it. My iPhone was costly. It was still a few days before my payday, and I couldn’t afford a new phone on my tight budget. I sulked on the couch and stared at the black TV. Now Namjoon was Team Taehyung too. I wondered if Hyejin also thought the same.

But I couldn’t talk to her. Not now. She would lecture me too about how I should give our relationship a chance. The relationship that was once the glorious Titanic but now approaching its end.

When I think of it again, my mom, Dad, Namjoon, Hyejin, my brother—everyone was Team Taehyung.

I looked at Pikachu perched in my lap.

“Chu, you are Team Jungkook, right?”

Pikachu leaned into my touch and licked my hand as his soft fur caressed against my cheeks.

“Yeah, I thought so. We will give Taehyung a tough fight. You and me. Together.”

!!~~~~!!