Part - II -C4. Seven stages of Grief

C4 – I can li(o)ve without YOU

A week and a half had gone by since Taehyung stopped by to see Pikachu.

For a couple days, I had anticipated his phone call. I’d caught myself glancing at my cell phone obnoxiously often or waiting to walk Pikachu just in case Taehyung stopped by and wanted to do it himself.

I couldn’t explain my behavior.

This man didn’t get to have access to my heart after everything we’d been through.

After everything we were going to go through.

When I realized what I was doing, how often I checked my cell and how far my heart sank each day he didn’t call, I had temporarily contemplated checking myself into rehab.

Did they have rehab for relationships-gone-bad syndrome people?

Was there an AA meeting for being addicted to the wrong men? There should be.

“Mr. Jeon, I need to go to the bathroom.”

I whirled around from my position at the whiteboard, my marker held aloft. “You’ve already been, Yeonjun Twice.”

Yeonjun’s eyes narrowed and his lips curled with a knowing smirk. This was the second class I’d had with Yeonjun The first time I’d had him in class was two years ago as a freshman.

He had been difficult to handle then, but nothing compared to the swagger he carried in his junior year.

He ran a hand over his shaved head and his eyes glinted with the promise of torture. “Bad Taco Bell.” His large hand dropped to his stomach where he rubbed it dramatically. “I’ve got the shits.”

I swallowed down pure, raw frustration as the rest of the class laughed and threw crass insults at him. This was what he did. Although it was very possible Taco Bell did give him the shits- we’d all been there.

But this was his regular MO. He wanted to rile up my classroom until it was complete chaos.

He didn’t like me and I barely tolerated him. He had been a nuisance two years ago, but this year he had declared war on the first day when I asked him to be quiet and he had asked me if I was on my heat. In front of the entire class.

His exact words were, “Damn, Teach, are you on supps? Why you so worked up? We just chillin’.”

I had made him write ‘Excuse me, Mr. Kim Jeon, are you feeling okay? You seem upset. I’m sorry for interrupting you,’ five hundred times as a graded essay.

He’d given me hell ever since.

“Fine, Mr. Chae, go to the restroom and take care of your…bowel issues.” The class broke into hysterics again.

Yeonjun flashed me a wide, toothy smile. He jumped from his seat and sauntered through the narrow aisles. He dropped two fingers on the edge of Keira’s desk and tapped twice. Keira sank down in her chair, a silly grin on her face.

I watched her while Yeonjun grabbed the bathroom pass and left the room with as much noise and commotion as he was capable of. Keira glanced at the door, that happy smile still on her face.

She turned back to me and tentatively raised her hand. Apparently, these kids thought I was an idiot.

“Yes, Keira?”

“I need to go to the bathroom too,” she said shyly.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and give her a lecture on how love isn’t real; it’s only something our pheromones make up to make our libido feel better about itself in the morning. Unfortunately, I didn’t think the school board would appreciate that particular truth bomb.

“Let me guess, you had Taco Bell for lunch too?” I immediately regretted the snide tone to my voice when Keira’s eyes went huge with embarrassment and she tried to melt into her chair.

I realized too late that even though her horny teenage hormones had no place at school, it wasn’t my responsibility to warn her off these snarky hoarders. I was only responsible until graduation.

“No,” she answered quickly.

Damn high school girls and their low self-esteems. “I’m sorry, Keira,” I told her with real remorse. “But you’ll have to wait until Yeonjun comes back.”

She looked at the door longingly and I watched disappointment pull her features.

Had she really thought I’d let her leave for a mid-period hookup in the bathroom?

I looked back at the whiteboard and contemplated giving up my lecture on dangling participles and replacing it with one on self-respect.

A skeezy tryst in the old boy’s locker room wasn’t going to do anything but give her athlete’s foot and a reason to feel shame. I hated that she wanted that for herself. I hated that Yeonjun expected it from her.

Yeonjun eventually came back looking impatient and aggravated. He shot Keira a look that I did not miss. She shrugged apologetically, but there was nothing she could do. The teacher had spoken.

The rest of class went by without incident, but I could feel Yeonjun’s angered glare as the minutes ticked by. As frustrated as I felt with him, his simmering anger got under my skin.

Fear fluttered in my chest and coiled in my stomach. This kid might be ten years younger than me, but he was bigger, taller, and he had more muscle than I could ever dream of.

I rationalized that he would retaliate in a way that drove me crazy but wouldn’t physically harm me. He wasn’t stupid. He was too smart for his own good. But rationalizing didn’t help.

I breathed out slowly when the bell finally rang. Loud laughter and chatter filled up the once quiet space but faded as the students filtered into the hall.

Yeonjun lingered behind. I could see Keira waiting for him in the hallway, but he wasn’t in a hurry to catch up to her.

“You’re ruining my game, Mr. Kim Jeon.” He called me Mr. Kim Jeon only to aggravate me.

“You’re ruining my class, Mr. Chae.” I tilted my chin in a display of confidence I did not feel.

His deep brown eyes narrowed. “I didn’t think you were this kind of teacher.”

I leaned forward, emboldened by righteous anger. “And I didn’t think you were that kind of an alphahole, Yeonjun. During class? Really? Have some respect for her.”

He cocked his head back, shocked at my candidness. A slow grin pulled at his lips and my mouth went dry.

Was he going to tell on me? Turn me into Mr. Kang? I could get in a lot of trouble for speaking to a student like that.

“When she asks for it, I’ll give it to her, that’s what real alpha’s do.” he chuckled, the innuendo screaming through his words. He turned away from me and strutted toward the door.

I couldn’t help but call after him, “Be better than that!”

He waved at me without turning back around, “Sure thing, Mr. Kim Jeon.”

The door slammed shut behind him and I resisted the urge to puke. I placed my hands on my desk and leaned heavily on them. I dropped my head and focused on breathing.

Holy shit.

Chae Yeonjun wasn’t the first difficult student I’d had. I’d called the cops more than once and I had been threatened at least once a semester since I started here.

The ego these stupid alphas carried around with them was incredible. They thought they owned the world and worse than that, they thought only they deserved the dominance.

They didn’t appreciate a teacher who is an omega that expected them to work hard and try at something other than sports or hitting on puny omegas that squeals whatever the chance they get.

Sometimes these omegas were even worse.

Entitled.

Cocky.

Neglected.

Underprivileged.

Apathetic.

These kids were a dangerous mixture of abandon and overpromise. I had to abridge the fine line between realistic expectations and stern discipline.

Not one of them respected me for it.

A knock at my door and a deep voice pulled me from the turmoil of my thoughts.

“Jungkook, are you okay?”

I looked up to find Prof. Min standing in my doorway with a concerned expression on his face. His dark eyes swept over me, taking stock of everything that could be wrong.

“Rough day,” I skreiched out.

Fear still pounded in my chest and I wondered if I should go to Mr. Kang. Nothing happened. Yeonjun hadn’t even threatened me. But years of experience taught me that I should trust my gut instinct.

“Your ex-husband?” Yoongi guessed.

I winced, unprepared for his question. A cynical smile tilted my lips and I stared at my shoes when I answered, “No, not him. I, uh, I had an altercation with a student.”

Yoongi crossed the threshold and stood before me in three seconds. His large hands landed on my biceps, squeezing them compassionately.

I jumped at his touch.

When was the last time anyone had touched me?

Even Taehyung?

Not for a very long time.

Yoongi’s closeness immediately felt wrong. I had the strongest urge to smile politely and wiggle away from him.

But I realized those were silly thoughts. I wasn’t betraying Taehyung.

There was nothing left to betray.

“I’m so sorry,” Yoongi apologized. “I shouldn’t have assumed…I’m so sorry. Really. That was really stupid of me.”

“It’s okay,” I promised him.

In the end, I did shrug off his hands. They were too awkward and my head wasn’t right.

Plus, I started to worry about someone walking into the room and getting the wrong idea.

“It could easily have been my divorce. It’s been a weird few months.”

Yoongi’s concerned frown made me feel a little better. “I’m an alphahole.”

Surprised laughter bubbled out of me. “You’re not.”

“I am. What idiot walks in on someone distraught and immediately brings up his divorce?”

My smile was soft and endearing. “It’s really okay.”

He gave me a sardonic look and shook his head. “I got divorced four years ago. I should know better.”

His comment took my breath.

I had never thought much about people in the midst of divorce before my own. I didn’t even know that many that had gone through one.

They seemed to be only stories my mother told me over Sunday dinners.

So-and-so’s are getting divorced. I knew they wouldn’t last. He was always lazy. She was too much of a doormat. They could never settle down.

I never thought it would be me. I never thought I would be the restless man or that Taehyung would be the deadbeat husband. Because according to my mother only worthless people got divorced.

“I’m so sorry,” I told him quickly. This time it was me that put my hand on his shoulder. “I didn’t know.”

His deep chocolate eyes found mine and held them. “It was before I came here.”

“How long were you married?” My curiosity couldn’t be helped.

Yoongi was gorgeous and an excellent teacher. He was a total catch. I couldn’t imagine anyone not wanting to stay with him.

But I had once thought that about Taehyung too.

“Ten years,” he answered with the slightest catch in his voice. “We were high school sweethearts.”

We were quiet for a while as I heard all of the words he didn’t say. The feelings that he didn’t admit.

“My husband and I met in college,” I admitted softly.

He turned around and sat down on the edge of my desk. His hands landed next to his hips and he leaned forward attentively.

I realized how strange it was to have this man’s undivided attention. Taehyung didn’t listen to me unless we were in the middle of an argument.

I couldn’t count how many stories I’d told him only to have him lift his head and look at me like a lost puppy. “Huh?” he’d say, “Did you say something?”

I swallowed down the hurt of that memory and allowed myself to enjoy Yoongi’s focus. I licked my dry lips and spoke beyond the fresh lump in my throat. “I thought we were perfect for each other.”

“There’s no such thing as perfect,” Yoongi commiserated. I groaned, “I know that now.”

Yoongi stared at his scuffed brown loafers, so I took the opportunity to study the lines and planes of his face. His jaw was clean-shaven and smooth and his nose had small indents where his glasses rested. They were tucked into his shirt pocket now, the end of one side poking out in the most adorable way.

He had great hair, great shoulders and great hands. He was so purely alpha-male that I knew half the population of Dongho High was deeply in love with him already and it was only August.

Not to mention I had heard really great things about his classes. He wasn’t just a good guy, he was a damn good teacher.

And he understood what I was going through.

That was made evident when he confessed, “I remember getting to this point with Jimin and hating myself. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him anymore, it was that I couldn’t stand him to be around me.” His eyes slowly lifted to meet mine. I felt his embarrassment behind his thick lashes. “Does that make me the most selfish man alive?”

I rushed to assure him that it didn’t. “I know exactly what you mean...I’ve actually been thinking about that a lot. It’s like him and I are mostly good people…until you put us together. Then we’re miserable and mean. I’ve never treated…I’ve said some horrible…” I let out a shaky breath.

I barely knew Yoongi. These things were personal; I didn’t need to share them with strangers.

“You’re just not right for each other, isn’t that it? You’re good people, but better people apart.”

I bravely met his gaze again. “That’s exactly it. We are better friends than married.” But even as I said the words they felt like a lie.

I didn’t know if we were better friends. We had never been friends. And I seriously doubted the probability that we would become friends now.

“Does it get easier?” My words trembled as they fell from my lips. I needed him to tell me yes. I needed him to offer hope.

“It does,” he said solemnly. “It will.”

Relief, sweet and strong, pulsed through me. I felt hot tears prick at my eyes.

I held them back, frustrated that I could still cry at the drop of a hat. I needed to pull myself together. I needed to get a grip.

To my embarrassment, he noticed right away.

“Hey,” he soothed. His big arms wrapped around me and pulled me into a comforting hug.

I was so shocked at first that I didn’t know what to do. But he didn’t give up, he didn’t let go. After a few more moments, I couldn’t fight the warmth of his touch or the promise of his comfort. I let my arms encircle his hard torso and sank into him.

“Thank you.”

He squeezed me tightly for another elongated moment before releasing me.

“It’s still fresh,” he consoled. “Give it time. Remember what it’s like to live alone and you’ll be fine, Jungkook. You’re a tough cookie.”

I wrinkled my nose. “How would you know that?”

“You work here, don’t you?” His playful smile put one on my lips too. “You have to be tough.”

“Or stupid,” I laughed.

His expression straightened, turning serious with his sentiment, “Well, you’re definitely not that.”

My stomach fluttered unexpectedly. I hadn’t been anticipating such a sweet compliment.

“Thank you,” I told him. “Again.”

He moved toward the door, offering me a small wave as he pulled his black-framed glasses from his pocket.

“Any time. I mean that. Any time you need to talk, I’m just a few doors down.”

I was too flustered to respond, so I nodded slowly and pressed my lips together to keep from smiling too big.

“Okay.”

“How about a dinner at the restaurant around the corner?”

“Huh?”

“Dinner at seven.”

“I don’t think it’s a good—”

“Just a friendly dinner Mr. Jeon. I guess you eats dinner. Do you?”

“Of course, I do. Yeah, I will there at seven. Thank you for asking me.” Jungkook tried to smile but it didn’t reach his eyes. He could do this. He can get a life without feeling guilty.

Yoongi smiled his gummy smile as he disappeared through the doorframe and I stood there for a long time after, just staring at the blank space. I needed to prep for my next class, but I couldn’t get over Yoongi and his surprising friendship.

I hadn’t been open with anyone that wasn’t Hoseok in a long time. And I hadn’t had anyone’s opinion in my life for longer than that.

Taehyung didn’t count since he rarely gave his.

Neither did my dad or brother since I never listened to theirs. And not only had Yoongi been nice…but he’d understood too.

He hadn’t judged me. He hadn’t dismissed my feelings or made me feel bad for having them. He’d been through what I had and promised it would get better.

I held those words close to my broken heart. I let them take root in my chest and bloom with promise.

I needed it to get better. I needed to know I could survive this.

Because right now… right now leaving Taehyung…healing from our brokenness…moving on with my life…

It all felt impossible.

!!~~~~!!

When I came into the restaurant to see Yoongi waiting on me, I felt some of my nerves settle. He’d become my friend first, even in the few weeks we’d been talking.

I went his way and soaked up the glory of seeing a guy as gorgeous as my husband fawn over my appearance. He stood and touched his chest before breathing out in a gush.

 “Whoa.” He managed. “You’re like the sun. If I stare, I might go blind.”

“Stop being dramatic. It’s not a date. Just usual dinner.” I grinned and went to him.

“I would rather think otherwise. Let a man dream.” He kissed my cheek and the blood rushed through me.

“Thank you.” I hugged him briefly then let go but he kept an eye on me as he pulled out my chair at our small table.

“You nervous?” he asked.

“Does it show that bad?”

“It’s okay to feel nervous, I’m sure it’s strange.” He really got me. He sat across from me and I turned the ring on my finger. My wedding ring. I’d meant to take if off. I had to ask.

“It does…I’m sorry. Are you regretting this dinner yet?”

“I think if you acted perfectly fine after being with a guy for seven years, I’d regret this. It just shows you were committed, and not trying to replace him.”

“Enough talk about my husband-, er, ex-husband, tell me how is school for you?”

“I don’t mind when you talk about him, but yeah, the school’s going well. There’s this student in one of the class that always creates ruckus. Today he almost blasted chemistry lab with his silly mischiefs.”

“What did he do?” I asked laughing nervously.

“He stole sodium.” I only knew that sodium was used in making salt. What bad it can do but stealing was bad.

The waiter came with menus and I felt myself tense. Taehyung and I had a ritual to when we went out. I’m always stuck between two things because I’m terribly indecisive but Taehyung knows some trick to making me pick.

“You okay?” asked Yoongi.

I took my eyes from the menu and smiled at him. “I’m fine. This all just looks awesome.” He suddenly looked up past me and smiled.

I cocked my head, “What is it?”

“A guy from my gym. He’s great. We hang out after and talk sometimes.” He gave a little wave.

“Really? Small world,” I turned, almost eager to meet one of Yoongi’ friends but what I saw made me want to scurry under the table and hide there for about a month.

I turned back around when he set his eyes on me and started our way. “Oh, my God, this isn’t happening.” I whispered and rubbed my burning cheek.

 Yoongi’ brows rose. “You know him?”

“Yeah,” said Taehyung . He was beside our table and I could feel the hot anger radiating from his body. “He knows me. We were roomies for like, what was it? Seven years?”

Yoongi frowned and looked back and forth between us. “Wait?” he said slowly.

 I lifted my head. “Taehyung?”

 Yoongi put it together, “oh shit.”

I saw that Taehyung was glaring at our table and followed his line of sight. Oh, God the hand holding.

I asked what suddenly came to mind. “How are you even here?”

He looked at me and cooled by a tiny microscopic bit. “I—”

I saw a pair of broken binoculars around his neck. “Are those mine? Were you stalking me? What’s wrong with you? That’s against the law.”

“No, it’s not. Stalking is frowned upon, not illegal. I would have to physically threaten you first. Like...” he looked back at Yoongi, “like hypothetically if you lay one finger on my husband, I’ll hypothetically break that finger…hypothetically.”

“Gahhh!” I groaned and got up before taking Taehyung by the arm and pulling him toward the door. It was like tugging along a tree, he stayed put and daggered Yoongi with his eyes before finally uprooting and following me to the entrance hall where less people were staring.

We went into the quiet and undisturbed doorway and I slapped his chest with my hand. “Are you insane?” I snapped.

“Name one man that wouldn’t go bat shit seeing his husband at dinner with someone else?”

“I didn’t know you would be here!”

“I didn’t know you would be on a date?”

“I’m not on a date?”

“Yeah, well you came all dolled up looking like that,” he gestured to my dress, it was one of my expensive shirt, “I was missing you so I was here but—” he paused, “You’re ready to date? For real? You’re okay sitting with another guy and eating with another guy and—”

I didn’t correct him again, “Of course, it’s different and a little weird but it’s going to happen. It’ll happen to you too. You’re handsome and good and funny, you’re going to move on too.”

“I don’t want to move on. This is us...you’re talking about. You think he can make you feel like I did?”

“I’m hoping he won’t, because for the last couple of years the way you made me feel was really shitty. Do you even know how many times I dressed like this for you? Do you know how hard it is to put yourself together for someone? Worse than that, do you know how awful it is to undo it? To take off the dress you tormented over finding, the hair you took hours styling, the makeup you artistically painted on? All that comes off without ever being noticed, over and over again, and you realize it doesn’t even matter because your husband doesn’t see you!”

I realized I was crying and that meant my eyeliner was going to run. “Damn it Taehyung! Stop! You don’t want this, you never did. You always want what you can’t have, and now because I don’t want you, you want me. That’s not fair! It’s not—”

“Shhh,” he pulled me into his arms and held me to him. “Okay,” he held me tighter and took in a ragged breath that made me think he really heard me this time, “easy, easy.”

I buried my face in his shoulder and felt my throat strain and pull with pain. I clutched his shoulders from underneath and tried to steady my breathing. This was all I’d wanted for years. To feel him and know he cared. The heat of his body against mine was home.

His scent.

He pulled my arms back so he could look at me and those hazel eyes I love drew me back.

“Listen,” he started, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, that I stopped. I don’t know why, and I’m not sure how I got this way. Kookie you’re the only one that’s ever made me stay. The only one I gave my time to. It started that way remember? Us trying so many times not to but we always did. You call me in every time. I screwed up, I get it. I screwed up big but let me fix it.”

“You make me feel too unimportant.”

“How?” He sounded annoyed now and let go of me to set his hands on his hips. “I don’t know if I get how you ever felt unimportant…you know real love isn’t romance movie crap. Heroes in romance books doing epic acts of love or killing themselves or endangering themselves to prove happily ever after is real, that’s not real! Those men are as fake as the women in porn. That’s why I don’t even watch that shit with you. It’s not realistic.”

As quick as he’d almost turned my head, he blinded me. Yes, I’m a literature student. Yes, I like romance. Yes, I read it and watched it and maybe he was right. It had given me an unrealistic hope for us. I was after all, fairly impressionable. That wasn’t what hurt though. It was him putting down yet another part of what made me—me.

I approached it another way. “What if the little things are what matter? What if I don’t want big displays, just small ones?”

He looked confused and with shaky hands I took out my phone and scrolled through our messages. This was actually easy since he almost never messaged me. I went back six months in three swipes. Then looked up at him, “Do you remember when you went to Busan for three days?”

“Umm...Yeah.”

“I messaged you to say good morning your first day but you didn’t message back, so I sent a good night. Still nothing. Then half the next day went by and still, nothing.” I felt the tears dry up and give way to numbness. “So, I sent this. Read all the ones from that day.” I handed him my phone and waited while he read. I had this conversation memorized.

It read.

‘I guess you aren’t getting my messages. It must be the network. I hope you’re doing well and you get back soon. I just want to make sure you’re okay since I haven’t heard from you.’

He came back an hour later saying.

‘Yeah, the network’s acting up. My service is bad here. I could’ve called on the landline but I thought you’d be in school and you could survive a day.’

I looked up to see Taehyung’s face change just slightly and I wondered if he read that part. Then I’d come back and say.

‘I can survive it. We just usually check in by now. It’s not a big deal, I just missed you and wanted to hear from you.’

Then he came back,

‘If there’s no big deal, why start an argument? I don’t get your point.’

Thinking about this messaging was making me feel more and more right about this separation. I’d gotten a little weak at seeing him but now I remembered.

He kept reading and I remembered my response.

‘You don’t like it when I miss your calls or messages either. Would you want me to not notice you’re missing for a day?’

Then classic Taehyung .

‘It’s different since when I call or message I have a reason whereas you want to talk about nothing. No, I don’t mind you noticing, if there was something important. ‘Good morning, good night, how’s your day, and did you sleep well,’ questions I can live without for 24hrs.’

I knew when he finished reading because he was tight-lipped and handed my phone back like it was a contract of silence. I took it and watched the emotions play across his face.

“This is such a little thing.” I told him. “You managed to turn that on me and make my caring feel weak and needy. The trivialities of my day were a bother, I guess.” I swallowed, “Well now I think you are good as you aren’t getting any annoying checks in’s from me or good nights or good mornings. I won’t be asking how your day was and I’m surviving pretty well without your messages whether it’s 24 hours…” I wiped under my eyes and started toward the door of the restaurant, “or forever.” I left him like that and went back to my ruined dinner. Not to dine but to say sorry to my colleague and grab my bag and...and go home. Eat something.

And sleep in peace.

Can my life be less pathetic?

!!~~~~~!!!!~~~~~!!