PART - II - C3 - Seven Stages of Grief

I forgo(t) I loved you...

FLASHBACK

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I got a call at around ten while I met Namjoon at his house a week later, I asked Taehyung for divorce. Hyejin made coffee and passed us all, there was dead beat silence for a while until hyung asked, “Was that him?”

He gestured to the phone as he passed me the cup.

“I didn’t look.” I told him.

“You should check it out.”

“What’s the point? He doesn’t even know why we’re getting divorced.”

“When did you realize?” Namjoon asked as he took a sip from his hot coffee, his eyes outside scanning the road thought the window.

“The week I called to say I was done with it…right after that incident where I started sleeping on the couch…?”

 Namjoon looked at me, “yeah?”

“Yeah, Taehyung had this really important party to attend to at this enormous hotel. It was a big deal and only band members were allowed.”

“Okay. And.”

“Two days before it was held I got a call from one of Taehyung’s fellow band member asking why I’m not attending. When all are bringing their spouses why I wasn’t interested.”

“Son of a bitch!” Hyejin cursed. Hyejin and Namjoon were in this friends-with-benefits arrangement for so long it felt like they were already married.

“How come their spouses could go and not you if it was a no spouse…” he slowly faded out his question then looked at me like I’d lost a race. “Oh man…”

I shrugged like it didn’t bother me anymore.

“He flipped when he realized I hadn’t heard.” I told him. “I was the only one who wasn’t going. When I asked Taehyung about it, I didn’t tell him Minho called. So, he lied again and told me they didn’t allow spouses. He really just didn’t want me to go.”

Namjoon didn’t reply anything on it for a second while Hyejin was looking like she could murder someone right now.

 After too long a silence I laughed nervously, “I mean let’s face it, I probably would embarrass him. Look at me. I’m like, a nerd, with these tortoise glasses you know? I’m- I wouldn’t have fit in...fit in his classy rock band lifestyle."

Namjoon was about to argue when my phone buzzed again and I checked it. It was some weird number I didn’t know so I picked up since this was the second time, “Hello?”

I felt all the blood drain from my face when the woman on the line informed me as his husband and emergency contact that Taehyung was in the ER. I wrestled with a train wreck of feelings and fear as I repeated her words so Namjoon would know what was going on. We all jumped up and I hurried for my purse and left in hurry.

Namjoon took his keys from the table, “Hyejin stay here okay and I’ll drive Kookie up to the hospital.”

Hyejin kissed his cheek and hugged me quick for encouragement before we darted out the door. When we got in the car I had to sit leaning forward with my head in my hands. I felt like I might pass out.

“What would be wrong with Taehyung?” I asked. “Nothing’s ever wrong with him hyung. He’s fit and healthy and, and, holy shit, it’s Taehyung!”

“Alright, just calm down, we’ll know more when we get there. He’s alright, he’s gonna be alright.”

Ugh, now I felt bad. Taehyung was my husband but he was Namjoon’s brother. I took Namjoon’s hand for him and for myself and we didn’t talk the rest of the way. Once at the hospital we both leaped from the car and ran into the ER.

I word vomited all over the nurse at the desk about my husband being brought in. I might have given her his government ID number thinking it would make her find him faster. Namjoon put his arm around me before taking over and she found him pretty quick after.

We had to walk down a long hall finding him behind one of the many dividing curtains. He was lying on the bed with his shirt open. I rushed over and framed his face in my hands before kissing his cheek and stroking his hair back.

“Taehyung? Are you okay? Can you hear me?”  

His eyes popped open and he brought his hand up to cup the back of my head.

“Hey…” he sounded so out of it and gruff that a tear slipped from my eye.

Namjoon came up on his other side and touched his shoulder. “What happened bro? You scared us bad.”

 Taehyung pulled his eyes from mine and gave Namjoon a weak looking fist pump. “I don’t know man, I had chest pains and they said it was like a heart attack…like apparently my heart has issues.”

 “What?” I asked as my eyes went wide. “Aren’t you- what if- I can’t even think straight. Is this my fault? Is it because I left? Taehyung? H-how did-?”

He squeezed my hand tighter. “Don’t do that, it’s not your fault. I was thinking about you being gone and how empty life was… then my chest like…I mean, he did say broken hearts are real, in a health way…”

“Hello,” interrupted the doctor as he strolled in with his clipboard. We all looked up and I straightened but kept Taehyung’s hand in mine. The doctor smiled, “How are we Mr. Kim?”

Taehyung held my hand tighter, “Okay… now anyway...”

I feel really confused.

He cares that much? Enough to nearly have a heart attack? Where was all that caring all this time?

The doctor made some notes, “Good, because that was a pretty bad anxiety attack.”

 I frowned. When I looked at Namjoon he was frowning too.

Namjoon stepped up, “wait, I thought it was his heart?”

The doctor looked up over wide framed glasses and scratched his thinning grey hair. “Are you family?”

 “I’m his husband,” I nodded, “and this is his brother. Go ahead, what now?”

Taehyung’s hand went really still and I suspiciously slanted him a look.

“Your husband suffered from a common anxiety attack is all. With a little relaxation and some of the things I’m prescribing here, he should be fine.”

I cut my eyes and looked down at the deceitful little shit.

Taehyung rolled his eyes and I wrenched my hand from his. “He said his heart was troubled.” I clarified.

The doctor narrowed one eye on Taehyung then looked back up at me, “your husband is healthy, this was just a run of the mill panic attack, which can be scary especially the first time, but it’s treatable.”

Namjoon swore, “are you fucking kidding me? You just said you had heart problems.” He ranted at Taehyung .

Taehyung crossed his arms, “the symptoms mirror a heart attack, my chest was way too tight.”

The doctor made some more notes, “well that’s normal….” He murmured.

Taehyung looked about ready to kill the doctor but I was about ready to kill him.

“Kim Taehyung,” I looked down at him and set my hands on my hips. “This isn’t something to fake or joke about; you put me through hell on my way here.”

“Well I didn’t have chest pains because I was out of peanut butter; I had them because you left me for no fucking reason!”

“No reason? Taehyung , we aren’t a couple anymore, you don’t even know I exist.”

“Sure, right, I don’t notice you. Give me one good example-.”

Namjoon bugged his eyes and jumped in. “he’s been sleeping on the couch for a week and you didn’t even notice he—”

“Shut up hyung.” Taehyung threw a swift punch to his brother’s midsection and Namjoon curled and kicked his brother’s bed. Taehyung looked back at me, “what do you want from me? I love you, and I married you, I come home every night, I agree with everything you say, that’s not enough to prove something? You don’t just give up on a marriage.”

“I didn’t just give up!”

He snorted, “sure, okay—”

“I tried really hard to make you see me. You’ve completely tuned me out, and I’m not bitter toward you for it. I understand that people grow apart, we can do this the healthy way.”

“Nothing about this is healthy! You aren’t even talking to me damn it!”

“I tried that too! You were either too busy or on the phone or-,” I mimicked his deep voice, “God Kookie I need sleep. I’m about to make a call. Do you really think I want to talk about this at this time of night? Go ahead and talk, you’re gonna do it anyway. Sure, whatever, fine. I’m going out.”

“I don’t sound like that.”

The doctor cleared his throat and we all went still. Shit, we’d forgotten he was here.  He looked pretty entertained but also pressed for time. “I hate to interrupt this Eureka moment, but I need to check the patient then be on my way.”

Namjoon stepped out of his way and I just stood and glared down at the man that I’d been avoiding this emotion with. Anger. I’d managed all this time to see it as two adults drifting apart and though it was sad, it was something I could heal from. Now I was starting to feel an animosity build.

This asshole was willing to defend the fact that he’d been a jerk to live with. I accept all my faults. I know I’m not easy to live with, being sloppy, being unrealistic sometimes, being flighty; being too dreamy…I understand how I’m not what he needs, why can’t he see it too?

He took those gorgeous hazel eyes away and now I could breathe better.  Taehyung asked the doctor, “I felt like I couldn’t breathe.”

“That’s normal, the fear and stress restrict your-.”

“Well, there was a tingling numb feeling in my whole body. It was weird; you mean that’s all…?”

“All normal…”

I gave him an arched brow due to his overreaction and he sighed, “listen, that’s all doctors ever say. Oh, my arm fell off. That’s normal. Oh, I was shot in the eye and can’t see, that’s normal. Hey, my ears bleed when the phone rings, that’s normal.” The doctor looked really close to laughing but kept his lips tight. Taehyung set his head back on the pillow. “Well dying is normal too, doesn’t mean I want to do it.”

The doctor patted his shoulder, “and you won’t, not of this anyway. Maybe an upset family planning mutiny.”

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!!~~~Flashback ends~~!!

The jerk suddenly brought me out of my reverie. I walked on auto pilot to my door steps, twist open the door and looked at the emptiness of the house after the chaos that was my everyday life.

I threw my keys down on the counter and looked at the leftover dishes from last night. I should have done them after dinner, but I couldn’t find the energy.

At the time, I told myself it was a reward for not picking up fast food on the way home from work again, but now I recognized my laziness for what it was.

It was funny how living by myself spotlighted all of these faults I hadn’t noticed before. When Taehyung lived here, I always cleaned up after dinner.

He hadn’t asked me to or expected it, but I had always felt the drive to please him.

Okay, maybe not in every way. But he did things for me.

He took out the trash without being asked.

He changed lightbulbs when they burned out.

He walked the dog when it rained.

The dishes were part of my portion of housekeeping and whatever else you could say about me or about how I treated Taehyung, at least I kept that part of our bargain.

For better or worse, in sickness and in health, you mow the yard and I’ll scrub the pans.

Now my vows were as empty and meaningless as my chores.

What was the point of cleaning up if there was no one here to appreciate my effort?

I wanted gold stars and verbal affirmation. The dog gave me neither of those things.

My feet ached and my head buzzed with the chaos of the day. I yawned so long and wide I half expected my jaw to unhinge.

I stood at the counter listening to the house. The ice machine kicked on and the refrigerator started buzzing.

I could hear the hallway clock ticking its rhythmic tocks as it kept time. The most beautiful dog in the entire world plopped on the ground at my feet and let out a long puppy sigh.

I could see it in his big brown eyes. Finally, you’re home, dude. Now pay me attention and fetch my chewie.

To be honest, he really wasn’t the most beautiful dog in the world, but he was really close. And he was beyond spoiled, making him intolerably high maintenance and prissy. But he was mine. I loved him as much as I loved any other things.

He was a petite Jindo with floppy ears that perked up when he was interested in something and huge chocolate eyes that conveyed more emotion than I thought a dog should be capable of.

His shiny coat was a mixture of caramel and white and was nice and silky because Taehyung insisted on the expensive dog food and weekly baths.

I named him Poppins after my favorite teacher, Kang Poppins. But Taehyung had started calling him Pikachu from the very beginning and the nickname stuck. He was my Pikachu and when all other people failed me, he was my rock.

I swept down and rubbed his ears with my two hands. Immediately the stress of the day started to melt from my shoulders and the dishes, the bills left discarded on the table and my looming divorce didn’t feel so impossible anymore.

“What did you do all day?” I asked him with a soft voice. “Did you miss me?”

A deep, masculine voice came out of him, answering my question, “I doubt that. He was too busy eating my socks.”

I let out an ear-splitting scream and fell backward on my butt. After a few seconds of blind panic in which I contemplated the distance to my nearest butcher knife, sanity returned.

I eventually recognized the voice and that it hadn’t come from my dog. It had come from my husband.

My soon to be ex-husband.

I hadn’t seen him in months and now he was here. I had to brace myself before I could look at him.

“Taehyung! God!” My hand landed on my chest and I pushed down, trying to slow my racing heart. “You scared the hell out of me!”

He leaned over the white-tiled island and stared at me with listless eyes. “I thought you heard me come in.”

I pressed my lips together and tried to ignore the pang of pain that hit me low in the gut.

His eyes used to be his most expressive feature. They could glisten with humor or darken with lust in the span of three seconds.

They were what had pulled me so deeply into him so quickly. All he had to do was look at me and I had been his.

Until now.

Now they stared at me as if I were the most uninteresting thing on the planet.

They didn’t light up when I walked into the room.

They didn’t dance with some sarcastic thought spinning around in his sharp mind.

They didn’t heat with desire or harden with frustration.

They just barely glanced at me, shuttered and apathetic.

“I didn’t,” I snapped. My heart hadn’t found its normal beat yet and my voice sounded frustratingly breathless.

He moved around the island and held out his hand to me. I reluctantly took it and tried to be civil.

We had promised each other a peaceful divorce. This was something we both wanted. We had no reason to be anything but nice to each other.

Once I was standing, he looked me over again but refrained from speaking his opinion. I tried to swallow back my annoyance.

After living with him for seven years and hearing every little insignificant thought that came out of his mouth, it bothered me that he had suddenly learned restraint.

What did he think about my outfit?

Did he notice I’d lost weight?

Could he see the dark bags beneath my eyes?

Did he think I was losing sleep because of him?

Habits, I reminded myself.

These were just familiar patterns from our marriage. I was used to being able to ask him his thoughts, which he always gave freely.

Now we acted like strangers, even though we knew each other more intimately than I knew any other person.

“What are you doing here?” I finally asked when it didn’t seem he wanted to explain his presence.

“I didn’t think you were going to be here.”

His casual words lit a fire inside of me that I couldn’t ignore. My polite words tasted bitter and acrid in my mouth.

“Teacher’s meeting was canceled tonight. Mr. Kang had a family emergency.”

“Is everything alright?”

Finally, some kind of sympathy flared in his hazel eyes, but it wasn’t meant for me.

My principal got his compassion, but not his fcuking husband.

“His eight-year-old broke his leg. It’s nothing serious.” My words came out clipped and short.

Taehyung noticed immediately. His gaze sharpened and his lips parted as if to defend himself.

I braced myself for fighting words, the ones that would spiral us into a never-ending argument. He would set me off and I would retaliate with something blade-sharp and cutting.

He would return by nagging me to death until I explained every last one of my emotions, at which point I would shut down and the barrier around my heart would thicken and expand.

Sometime in the last seven years, I had started to pay attention to our fights.

We fought in phases, each argument trying to outdo the last. What was worse was that we had developed this toxic cycle that could not be broken.

“Huh!” was Taehyung’s intelligent reply.

“So why are you here?”

His gaze drifted to the dog. “I need to grab a few things of mine.”

Righteous anger spread from the fire in my belly, snaking through my veins and reaching my fingertips and toes. “You should have called me first. You can’t just walk in here unannounced. This isn’t your house anymore.”

Taehyung took an aggressive step forward. “This isn’t my house? Are you kidding me? This is our house. As far as I know, my name is still on the mortgage. I can come and go as I please.”

“I’m single, living alone. Don’t you think I deserve privacy? I thought you were a murderer!”

“You’re single, huh? Just like that? I’m gone for a couple months and suddenly you’re living the high life?”

“That’s not at all what I meant! And you know it!” I took another step forward and swallowed down the bitterness that bubbled up my throat.

I wanted to claw at my itchy skin and burst into hysterical tears.

How did we get like this?

Why couldn’t we have just one decent conversation?

Taehyung’s face heated with his matching anger. “I don’t know what you mean, Jungkook. I’m starting to wonder if I ever knew what you meant. You kicked me out.”

“Oh, that’s nice. That’s really lovely.” I spun around and threw my hands out. “I love how I’m the bad guy in this thing. How it’s all my fault.” I turned back to face him and let my words punctuate the air with every ounce of resentment and exhaustion I felt. “We came to this decision together, Taehyung. Don’t you dare put the blame on me. I’ve been the villain for seven goddamn years, but I refuse to this time. We did this together.”

He rocked back on his heels and his shoulders deflated like the anger had leaked from his body. He was a puffed-up balloon with a quarter-sized hole. But he wasn’t any less worked up. This was the quiet rage that cut deeper, sliced in jagged, unhealable ways.

“Sure, Jungkook. We both wanted this.” His voice pitched low and firm when he launched his final assault. “At least it’s what we both want now. You’re not the only one that’s been living in freedom lately. God, it feels good to get out from under…” I waited for the end of his sentence, knowing it would be about me, knowing it would be the agonizing reminder of what a terrible husband I was. But he shocked me when he finished with, “this roof.”

It wasn’t any less hurtful, but it didn’t pack quite the punch I had been expecting. My surprise quelled some of my fury and I found myself able to reply to him without goading him further.

I ran my hands over my face and in a deflated voice, I asked, “What are you really doing here, Taehyung? I know you didn’t stop by to fight with me.”

He jerked his chin to the side so he didn’t have to look at me. “I swear I didn’t think you were going to be here.”

“Tae, god. Just come clean already.” A wave of violent exhaustion knocked into me and I teetered backward.

He did this to me.

He wore me out completely.

And he didn’t even notice.

He wouldn’t even look at me anymore.

And somehow that was worse. Somehow I could take his harsh words and cruel accusations, but it was his neglect that pierced the hardest.

“I missed Chu,” he mumbled.

I knew I misheard him. He hated the dog. He complained about him daily.

“What?”

He lifted his chin as if he was prepared to defend his words and the damn dog to the grave. “I missed Pikachu, okay? I just wanted…needed to make sure he was well fed, doing great and was...okay.”

A weird mixture of sorrow and affection twisted through me. I didn’t know whether to scream at him or hug him.

Confused and tired, I turned away from him and faced the sink. I needed to do something.

I needed to use my hands and think about anything else but my husband and the dog.

“I thought you hated him,” I accused weakly, my voice broken with hurt feelings and bewilderment.

His voice was lower to the ground when he responded. He’d bent over and started petting him in his rough, affectionate way. “I thought I did too.”

A lump so big and intrusive clogged my throat that I had to gasp for air. I didn’t bother to swipe at the tears leaking from my eyes. I didn’t want to draw attention to them.

So while Taehyung petted the dog he had avoided, complained about and glared at for three years, I focused on scrubbing the dishes I left out last night.

The water burned my hands, turning my skin bright red, but I welcomed the heat and the pain. I needed to focus on something else. I needed to redirect my mind from whatever dangerous place it wanted to go.

Tae murmured sweet things to Pikachu and I forbid my body to turn around.

Listening to his familiar voice, with his low, gravelly baritone did funny things to my resolve.

I started questioning everything I’d decided about him. I wanted to reconsider my decisions and accusations.

I wanted to fall on my knees next to him and beg for his forgiveness. Which was so silly.

So completely ridiculous.

If anything, his surprise visit should hammer down the point. We weren’t right for each other.

We couldn’t even be in the same room together without wanting to strangle each other.

We might be good people separately, but we were monsters together.

I was doing the right thing. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to live a life without screaming and name-calling.

I wanted to breathe again.

“Have you taken him for a walk yet?” His question was asked with a soft pleading that I couldn’t ignore, no matter how much the bitter part of me wanted to punish and torture him.

I shook my head, unable to speak the words that clawed at my throat. I kept my chin tucked to my chest so that my dark hair would fall in front of my face and cover the tears streaking my cheeks.

His voice grated when he asked, “Do you mind if… do you mind if I take him?”

I hoped he didn’t notice my quiet sobbing. I couldn’t stand the idea that he saw how weak I was acting.

But the longer I thought about it, I decided the obvious emotion in his voice probably came from asking me permission.

Taehyung was nothing if not proud.

Instead of using this moment against him, I surprised myself by shrugging one shoulder and whispering in a thick voice, “Go ahead. He would love it.”

He stood there silently for a long minute. I felt his eyes sear into my back. I sucked in slow breaths and tried not to fidget.

The only sound in the kitchen was the sound of Pikachu’s paws dancing on the tile and the splash of water as I worked on the dishes.

Finally, after endless moments, he asked, “Is the leash in the same spot?”

“Yeah.”

“Come on, Chu,” he called in a friendly voice. “Let’s go for a walk. Want to go for a walk?”

Pikachu pranced excitedly, his toenails clicking faster and faster. He let out an excited yelp and followed Taehyung into the hallway where the leash hung on the wall.

He fastened it quickly to his collar and they left out the front door.

“Traitor,” I hissed when they were gone.

The new silence hit me harder than anything else.

I had been living alone for a while, but I always had Pikachu with me. He was always here to greet me at the kitchen door when I got home from work or curl up with me on the couch.

Logically, I knew he was only going to be gone for a half hour or so. I knew Taehyung would bring him back to me safe and sound.

But the house felt immensely lonely now. It fell down on my shoulders with a crushing weight. My chest deflated and my lungs gave out.

I fell to my knees in a heap of loud sobbing and uncontrollable tears. My wet hands splashed water all over my work clothes, but I couldn’t find the energy to care. I was too wrapped up in my own pain, too lost in the heartbreak inside my chest.

Unexpected grief crashed over me and I gasped for breath, stretched for the effort to continue living through this agony.

Why did it hurt so much?

If this was what we both wanted, why did it feel like death instead of life?

I had loved this man once. I had loved him more than anything else in life.

And now we treated each other like enemies.

For the last two years, I hurt him every time I saw him. And I did it on purpose. He hurt me too, ignored me. And now, we’re here.

I was a good, decent person. I believed in my career.

I wanted to change lives and give the kids I worked with a future they might not have otherwise.

And for the last few months it was like, whenever I was with my husband, I turned into a vicious, crazed harpy that couldn’t listen to reason or rationalize logically.

Every nice, kind thing inside of me jumped out the window and I started flinging insults meant to wound, to harm permanently…to kill whatever good, decent person was left in him.

I hated who I was with Taehyung, now.

And I had to be honest with myself and admit that it wasn’t Taehyung that made me this way. There was something ugly inside of me…something monstrous and vengeful.

I didn’t want to keep talking to him like this; I didn’t want to keep hurting him.

What was even the point anymore?

We were over.

We were separated.

The least I could do, after years and years and years of this, was treat him like someone worthy of respect.

We weren’t going to be mates anymore, but that didn’t make us enemies. Just because we didn’t love each other, didn’t mean our only option was to hate each other instead.

I grabbed the kitchen towel hanging from the cabinet next to my head and used it to dry my tears and my hands. I sat there while I tried to piece the shattered fragments of myself back together.

It wasn’t easy and I wasn’t entirely successful. But I managed to resolve something inside of me, something lasting and intentional. I didn’t have to treat Taehyung badly to make myself feel better.

This was hard on both of us. And it didn’t look like it would be getting any easier.

But if I could weather this storm, if I could walk this journey without inflicting any more lasting wounds, there might be healing at the end for me too.

I wanted this divorce because I was sick and tired of being miserable, of wishing I could be happy, of wanting a better life. On the floor of my kitchen, all alone and feeling my worst, I realized I didn’t have to wait for Taehyung to go away before I could grab those things and make them realities in my life.

I didn’t have to wait for the papers to be signed before I could stop being miserable… until I had a better life.

Those were things I had the power to change. And I would change them. Starting now.

The front door opened and I jumped to my feet. I slammed the faucet down, so the water would stop running and give away my breakdown.

I threw the towel on the counter and wiped at my face one more time with my fingertips before moving quickly to meet Taehyung in the entryway.

He unhooked the leash from Pikachu’s collar and patted her on the head before standing up to his full, impressive height.

I knew by the way he looked at me that he could tell I’d been crying.

Biting, defensive words immediately landed on the tip of my tongue, but I held them back, even if it cut into my pride.

“Thanks,” I offered humbly. “I wasn’t really up for walking him today.”

His expression changed again. Storm clouds rolled in those starkly brown eyes of his and his face darkened with something I couldn’t name. He rubbed his palm over the short scruff along his jaw, “Anytime.”

“You too.” The words surprised me as much as him. “I mean, if you want to walk him, just, maybe call first?”

He nodded. “I can do that.”

We stared at each other awkwardly, shifting on our feet as the silence dragged out and neither of us could think of something to say.

I didn’t know if we’d somehow managed to reach a truce or if this was only a temporary treaty, but Taehyung seemed as tired of fighting as I did.

His gaze locked with mine, accidentally at first, but as he held it, I realized he was saying something to me in his silence. I couldn’t read him, though. Either I’d forgotten how in the few months we’d been apart or maybe I never could to begin with.

Finally, he said, “Well, I should go.”

I couldn’t bring myself to tell him goodbye. It didn’t make any sense.

But nothing I did made sense these days. He took my silence as a dismissal and left without another glance my way.

I was alone again, even if Pikachu was here this time.

And even though we’d shared some hospitable moments, even though I’d managed to hold my tongue and not hurt him more, I felt more shredded than ever before.

Every time he left, I shattered apart.

!!~~~~~~!!!!~~~~~!!